Life on the NEST Base: Stories, Regulations, and Incidents
by T'Reilani
Summary: As compiled by Riella. Features heavy OC involvement, including Prowl/Riella and Jazz/Tai pairings. Also references Ironhide/Chromia and hints at Sideswipe/Arcee and Hound/Mirage. And most of it is pure crack. Technorganic-verse. Mostly on hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life on the NEST Base: Stories, Regulations, and "Incidents"

**Summary: **As compiled by Riella.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Genre:** Humor

**A/N: **I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and make my own rule list. This was inspired by **Tatyana Witwicky's** incredibly funny "Guidelines for Living with Giant Robots". If you haven't read her story, do it - it's a lot better than my attempts! Thank you very much Tatyana for letting me use your idea!

**A/N 2014: Due to changes in Riella and Prowl's characters as well as the format I'm using, this has been edited a bit. Nothing too major – most of the rules have been reworded, and now you get some storytelling along with them. Hope you enjoy! **

* * *

><p>Riella sighed, staring at the datapad in front of her. "Honestly. Prowl, are you sure we need a rule list? Shouldn't most of this be common sense?"<p>

"Evidently not," Prowl said dryly. "If only because you are the reason for half of the technorganic rules."

His bondmate shot him a look, optics narrowing. Prowl sighed and rolled his optics. "You know it's true. And the reason I asked _you _to write them."

"I hate when you have a point." Riella grimaced and opened the datapad's keyboard. "Fine. Technorganic rules, here I come."

**Basic Rules for Technorganics (and a few for everyone else):**

_1. If you have an organic mode with visible cybernetic components, always, always make sure your holograms are on and working when you go out in public._

_- Although I will admit that terrified humans are amusing._

_- But the fallout involving the government is not worth it._

_- Trust me._

_2. Be careful with loose clothing and transformations._

_- That's just a general rule for anyone who wears clothing around Transformers, really._

_- Our transformation sequence is complicated. Wearing a dress and transforming will result in fabric caught in strange places (Speaking from experience)._

_- And for the love of Primus, don't leave jackets inside whoever happens to be your guardian._

_- Looking at you, Sam._

_3. And Autobots, do be aware that humans will disregard the above rule…_

_- Poor Bumblebee._

_- Three hours in the medbay with Ratchet, First Aid, and Hoist attempting to remove various pieces of one of Sam's sweatshirts…_

_4. Even though it is incredibly tempting, do not use your holograms to disguise your cybernetic parts as anything other than the corresponding human part._

_- Making your arms look like Megatron's is an excellent method of testing new recruits._

_- Or so I heard…_

_5. Do not pretend to be mute and use your radio to talk while in organic mode._

_- …Not that I've done this._

_- Maybe once._

_- It was Bumblebee's idea._

_6. Don't take offense when humans compare you to Inspector Gadget, Darth Vader, General Grievous, or any other fictional character that has mechanical parts._

_- Even though I have no idea where those comparisons come from._

_- Do I, in any possible way, look like a 7'2" Dark Lord?_

_- Sideswipe, if you answer that, I'll put you on monitor duty for a week._

_7. Related to the above, when someone asks you what you are, do not use your hologram projector to change your color scheme to red and black and start playing The Imperial March over the radio._

_- This is only funny once, and I did it first._

_8. When dropped off somewhere by another Autobot, remember to call them when you need a ride back to base. Do not transform to vehicle mode to get home and/or offer to bring someone else home._

_- Or at least find a convenient garage._

_- The same goes for Autobots in holoform, Jazz._

_9. When walking past Red Alert and any other 'bot, do NOT start playing the song "Not One Of Us" from Lion King 2. This actually goes for anyone with a radio, but us technorganics are a bit more vulnerable to "stray" laser fire._

_- I honestly didn't mean to do that to Cliffjumper._

_- I was aiming for Galloway._

_- Cliffjumper is now on Red's Watch List._

_- I am now on Cliffjumper's hit list._

_- Note to self: Sleep with one optic open._

_10. Autobots, if you agreed to play in robot mode, transforming to win the game is cheating._

_- Smokescreen._

_- Hot Shot._

_- It is both unappreciated and unsafe._

_11. When someone says, "What the hell are you?" they don't really want to know._

_- To be fair, Agent Banachek asked. _

_- But I suppose the description of how organic and metal works together may have been too much._

_12. Monitor your sparkmate's activities when you have been assigned to a dangerous mission._

_- This is really more of a life lesson than anything._

_- Prowl volunteered for one that I was supposed to take._

_- I love you, but really?_

_- It was my turn…_

_13. Don't ever say that you have a sister named Alice in front of Sam Witwicky, Mikaela Banes, or Leo Spitz._

_- Leo wouldn't come within a mile of me for a week._

_- I had to ask Bumblebee to tell him that I was joking._

_14. The song "So Bring It On" makes a great theme song for female technorganics, but it gets very old, very fast._

_- Jazz bashed his head into a wall._

_- I consider it revenge for the incident with "Girl All the Bad Guys Want"._

_15. When Ironhide wants you for combat training, go with him. Right then. Unless you want to have the combat training in the rec room or wherever you happen to be._

_- Believe me._

_16. Using your transforming abilities to fool new soldiers into thinking you are two separate people, then scaring them by transforming in front of them is highly frowned upon._

_- But Prowl would like me to note that it is not, in fact, forbidden._

_- Probably because it was his idea._

_17. Speaking of Red Alert, if you have any kind of stealth ability, you are NOT allowed to use it to scare him._

_- Mirage._

_- You idiot._

_- I hope a week in the medbay taught you something…_

_18. Don't ever go to a human doctor, even for human illnesses._

_- Hiding your Cybertronian nature is more trouble than it's worth._

_- And Ratchet can handle more than you think he can._

_19. Never assume that just because you are technorganic, you are immune to human allergic reactions._

_- I didn't even know Vulcans could get poison ivy._

_- I was proven wrong._

_- Do you know how long that lasts? Longer than I wanted it to._

_20. Never, **never**, **never** drink more than one small cube of high-grade if you know your system will not handle it well._

_- The video footage has been destroyed._

_- YouTube links are forbidden._

_- And don't even think about playing "All I Want Is You" while I am trying to have a serious conversation again._

_- Jazz._

_- I will hurt you._

Riella sighed and leaned over Prowl's shoulder, holding out the datapad for him to see. "What you had in mind?"

"I'm sure it is." Prowl glanced at it briefly. "Thank you. And…thank you for not mentioning my high-grade experiences."

Riella smiled and wrapped her arms around his chest, resting her chin on his shoulder. "I'm not _that _upset at you. Imagine how the humans would take that particular bit of information."

"I'm trying not to." Prowl winced and leaned his head back against hers. "You and Chromia were bad enough."

His mate snickered. "You proposed to Ironhide. How were we supposed to handle it?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer: **I only own Riella. My brother owns the parody of "Joy to the World".

**A/N: **My brother gets credit for inspiring Rules 37 and 38, and he and my sister inspired Rule 40 between them. Hahaha...kids...

* * *

><p>"You came up with how many more?" Riella stared at Prowl in slight disbelief.<p>

Prowl shrugged. "It's been a long week."

"True, but…" Riella looked over his notes and sighed. "You're right, I can't argue. Did Optimus request this first one?"

"Well, you know how he is about harming humans," Prowl pointed out dryly. "Even accidentally."

Riella arched an eyebrow. "He ran into me. That was not my fault."

_21. If at all possible, cover any exposed metal parts with some form of padding before playing sports. Holograms will not work._

_- I don't know why I still agree to play with them._

_- Sorry, Glen._

_- I really do hope you can still reproduce._

_22. No changing your vocalizer to sound like Darth Vader, the Terminator, or any other intimidating movie character._

_- Sideswipe._

_- Sunstreaker._

_- Jazz._

_- Ironhide._

_- For the love of Primus…_

_23. On that subject, never never NEVER change your vocalizer to sound like a Decepticon._

_- Bluestreak._

_- I assume it sounded like a good idea at the time?_

_- You were wrong, by the way._

_24. If you are female and either PMSing or carrying, do NOT threaten to dismember your sparkmate, CO, the medic, the weapons specialist, or whoever happens to upset you._

_- It doesn't really matter if you mean it or not._

_- Some 'bots are more patient than others._

"According to Ratchet, the pon farr cycle should also be included in that particular rule."

Riella gave Prowl a look that could have frozen lava. "I am not mentioning the pon farr in a rule that will be generally read. Ratchet will just need to deal with it."

_25. No holographic costumes._

_- Except on Halloween, and then only if you alert Ratchet, Prime, Ironhide, and Red Alert._

_- Bumblebee._

_- Sideswipe (again)._

_- Tai._

_26. Bumblebee, Bluestreak, Smokescreen, and Jazz are no longer allowed to pick up take-out._

_- Ratchet will hurt you if you transform with a pizza box inside your alt-mode one more time._

_27. The song "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" is not to be used to tease any mech and femme who happen to be sitting together. This goes for everyone._

_- The same thing goes for most love songs, but especially catchy ones._

_- These songs may be used to annoy the current government liaison._

_28. Do not take revenge when a human verbally insults you. Let your sparkmate, sparkling, or medic deal with it. They will be much harder on the unfortunate human than you._

_- Prowl and Bluestreak: Cornered Agent Simmons in the hall and went into great detail about the daily workings of the base, for two hours._

_- Sideswipe and Sunstreaker: Released a bobcat in his car. Stole his credit card information. Let the air out of his tires. Glued his iPad to the briefing room table. Switched his brakes and gas pedal._

_- (I assume he didn't learn the first time.)_

_- Bumblebee: Stepped on said iPad._

_- Ratchet: Refused to repair the iPad and threatened to use Agent Simmons as an experimental test subject if it happened again._

_- (I think he was joking.)_

_29. The song "Monster" by Skillet should not be played immediately before transforming._

_- It wasn't obvious?_

_- You know who you are._

_- Quit it._

_30. No more "Terminator" movies._

_- At least not with the humans._

_31. No pranks involving silly string, PVC pipe, and Seymour Simmons._

_- Optimus insisted on this one._

_- For the record, it was fun._

_32. Impromptu performances of "Be Prepared" from Lion King and "My Lullaby" from Lion King 2 are no longer permitted._

_- Evidently a Vulcan accent is perfect for Zira._

_- But if an Autobot doesn't recognize the song…._

_33. Actually, impromptu renditions of all Lion King 1, 11/2, and 2 songs are now banned._

_- "Hakuna Matata" is a wonderful way to end budget meetings._

_- Because everyone will immediately clear out of the room._

_- And "Dig a Tunnel" never ends._

_34. Always, always, always look both ways before crossing from a human-size hallway to a 'bot-size hallway._

_- No matter who you are._

_- You may not be squished, but the risk isn't worth it._

_35. If you want to watch these movies, ask me or Prowl first. We will tell you what the results might be before you decide to watch them._

_- "Star Wars": Technorganics will be dubbed Darth Vader, both sets of twins will be trying to use the Force for weeks (the 'Vette twins will be pretending, the Chevy twins will not), and Wheeljack is **NOT **to see any of those movies under any circumstances. We do not need lightsabers, laser guns, TIE fighters, or droidekas._

_- "Finding Nemo": You will be dealing with quotes for months. Even Ironhide got in on it. I blame Annabelle._

_- "Over The Hedge": The Chevy twins do a disturbingly good imitation of Hammy the squirrel, plus it makes the 'bots paranoid about small animals (well, more so than Ironhide already is)._

_- "Taken": Your creator(s) will not let you out of their sight for weeks, and will eye all band merchandise suspiciously. (Tai.)_

_-"Princess Bride": Again with the quotes. And the impressions. And more quotes. You keep using that word._

_36. No swearing in front of Annabelle Lennox. Even in Cybertronian._

_- Sarah Lennox almost fainted when Annabelle dropped a toy and yelled "Slaggit!"_

_- Evidently Prowl was the culprit on that one._

_37. On the subject of Annabelle, no more singing Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's parody of "Joy to the World" when she is on base._

_- "Joy to the world, Barney is dead!/For they/have grilled/his head..."_

_- It only gets worse from there. I'll spare you the details._

_- Poor Annabelle._

_38. Do not sing "I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today" without context._

_- It can be very funny with context. Without context it's very disturbing._

_39. Dancing to your internal radio music disturbs the soldiers._

_- Especially when they ask if you're listening to your iPod, and you tell them no, you're listening to the voices in your head._

_- Bluestreak._

_40. Don't say or do any of these things without any context._

_- "I'm feeling a bit...odd today. Maybe it was the tuna fish?" Then transform. (Me.)_

_- "I LIKE IKE!" (Sideswipe and Sunstreaker.)_

_- "Hi, my name is Bill the Claustrophobic Plumber," while smiling demonically. (Mirage.) (I honestly don't know where that came from.)_

_- "Nobody move, I dropped me brain!" (Wheeljack.)_

_- "I'm wearing new underwear!" (Annabelle.) (We think she learned it from Miles.) (But I'm not sure.)_

Prowl stopped reading, looked at the last rule, and frowned. "Who do you blame, then?"

Riella arched an eyebrow again. "Bee."

"Not the twins?"

Riella laughed. "I heard him quoting a comic strip yesterday."

"Ah. Wonderful…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella. Tai and Sparrow belong to **Tatyana Witwicky.** Thanks for letting me borrow them!

**A/N: **Trying something new this time...

* * *

><p>Riella stalked into the room and tossed the datapad at Prowl, who caught it without looking. "Your turn."<p>

Prowl arched an eyebrow. "What happened?"

"You do _not _want to know." Riella glared in the general direction of the parking lot. "Forget a rule list for technorganics – we need one for those who interact with them."

"Government agents, or Leo?" Prowl half-smirked at the sense he was getting over the bond. "To be honest, that's not a bad idea."

Riella sighed. "What, rules for anyone interacting with technorganics? It's still your turn."

"Any suggestions?" Prowl opened the appropriate data file, quickly scanning through the previous notes.

His mate looked back at him with another sigh. "Oh, so many."

_1. Do **not** call them names based on their part-mechanical nature._

_- This is a bad idea no matter how you look at it._

_- Most Autobots do not appreciate the term "N.B.E.", let alone less-official designations._

_- Leave our resident technorganics out of it._

_2. Mocking a technorganic femme who retains certain physical cycles similar to those of organics (including but not limited to carrying/pregnancy and a monthly cycle) is not encouraged. They are generally capable of doing significant damage to you._

_- Whatever happens is your own fault._

_- I will laugh and order you to leave my office if you attempt to complain._

_3. Do not ask them if they are Darth Vader or any other part-mechanical movie character. Also, do not ask them if they know/are related to said movie characters._

_- Please._

_- Even though Riella has written a rule on how they should behave when this happens, the odds of anyone actually following it are very slim._

_4. For Autobots: Exercise caution when passing human-size hallways. Humans and technorganics alike will forget to look both ways._

Riella glanced at Prowl with a frown. "I don't forget."

"You lived on Cybertron. Looking both ways was a fact of life."

"…Point."

_5. "Daring" anyone to do anything is now prohibited._

_- This really has nothing to do with technorganics, and more to do with the safety of everyone on base._

_- Although certain technorganics who will remain unnamed are part of the reason for this rule._

_6. For all humans: Caution is advised when playing sports with Autobots._

_- Technorganics may look organic, but they do have solid metal components._

_7. **NEVER**spike anyone's food or drinks with high-grade or alcohol!_

_- Particularly if you know they have a low tolerance._

_- I should NOT have to say this._

_- Technorganics can be quite…uncontrollable._

_8. Cycleformers are not to be referred to as 'village bicycles.'_

_- Why the slag do I have to say this?_

_- In this case, I will encourage and participate in retaliation._

_- An offer also open to everyone else on base._

_- There are no exceptions._

_- And I do not care who you are._

_- If you value your existence, do NOT test me._

Prowl glanced up and smiled as Riella curled her arm around his back and leaned her head on his shoulder. "You're welcome."

"You're so cute when you're protective." Riella smiled back and tilted her chin up so she could see the datapad.

"Oh, I'm not done."

_9. Alien jokes are not encouraged._

_- Especially within Riella's hearing range._

_- Which, for the record, is much further than that of a human._

_10. **Never** suggest anything to Tai._

_- For the love of Primus._

_- We don't need repeat incidents._

_- Once was enough!_

_11. Do not encourage technorganics to use their abilities to frighten humans._

_- They do this often enough without encouragement._

"That was your idea," Riella pointed out dryly.

Prowl tried to look innocent and failed. "…Not my best one."

"Granted, but still."

_12. Riella may be technorganic, but she is still an officer and an authority figure. Please keep that in mind._

_- She has the authority and the ability to kick your aft if you do something to deserve it, and she is more than willing to do so._

_- Agent Simmons._

_- Skids and Mudflap._

_13. Do not ask any Cyber-Ninja to teach you fighting skills unless you are prepared for a full contact sparring session._

_- While both Riella and I are willing to use our spare time to teach humans and Autobots martial arts, we will not take it easy on you._

_- Know what you are getting into._

_14. On that subject, do **not** say, "Hey, I can kick your butt!" to any technorganic._

_- Odds are, you cannot, Leo._

_- In your case, I think you should avoid saying that to anyone._

_15. No oilnog._

_- Ever, Wheeljack._

_- EVER._

_16. The song "Girl All The Bad Guys Want" is **never** to be played around Riella. Or me, for that matter._

_- Names will not be mentioned for the sake of my friendships._

_- Last time I checked, not even Wheeljack was able to fix Sam's stereo system._

_17. Do not recruit a senior officer's sparkmate/significant other/child/best friend when you want something._

_- Contrary to popular belief, sending in the "big guns" will not help._

_- Do NOT ask Bluestreak to help you, ever._

"I've got another one." Riella arched an eyebrow. "Did you hear what Miles was joking about this morning?"

"No. What?"

_18. **NEVER, NEVER, NEVER JOKE THAT YOU WANT WHEELJACK TO MAKE YOU TECHNORGANIC!**_

_- Why do I even have to mention this?_

_- He **will** take you literally!_

_- And the process is irreversible._

_19. Technorganics and magnets do not mix._

_- Neither do pets and magnets._

_- For different reasons._

_20. If you must start a prank war, please don't whine to me when you lose._

_- Leo, you started it._

_- I will not be investigating who glued your pants to the ceiling._

_- I already know who it was._


	4. Chapter 4

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella. Sparrow belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky.** Thanks for letting me borrow her!

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! **Steelburst,** I'm so glad you're enjoying it! Riella's story (the completed part of it, anyway) is called "Transformers: Technorganic", and is a rewrite of the 2007 movie. **Supergirlprime**, thanks for the suggestions; I used your idea for rule 49!

* * *

><p>Riella entered her office, saw the note on the desk, and sighed, half-seriously. "Guess we're back to the rules being my job again. Maybe they won't be quite so painfully obvious this time…" She paused, remembering the first one, and groaned. "Never mind."<p>

_41. The phrase "Dare to be Stupid" wasn't meant to be a credo._

_- Skids and Mudflap._

_- Miles._

_- Leo._

_- Sam._

_- Bluestreak._

Riella paused, thought about it, and decided against explaining. _Context won't help that one. _

_42. More movies that you should ask permission to watch:_

_- Any of the "Lion King" movies. Actually, anything with catchy music in general, but those are particularly bad._

_- Any of the "Rambo" movies. The Chevy Twins will injure each other trying to imitate them._

_- "The Ring". The Chevy Twins (have you noticed how many of these involve them?) will cause havoc by destroying every telephone in the base._

_- "Toy Story": Buzz Lightyear is not technorganic. Also, Red Alert will confiscate every doll he sees lying around. Annabelle Lennox will cry, and her mother will be very angry at you._

_43. Please try not to anger Judy Witwicky, Sarah Lennox, Mikaela, and Chromia all in the same week._

_- Sam._

Riella's annoyance at even the memory must have transmitted over the bond, because Prowl's thought reached her almost before she could finish typing. _"What's wrong?"_

_What do you think?_

"_Ah." _Prowl wisely didn't ask for further explanation.

_44. Ratchet does not approve of skipping checkups._

_- And will announce this fact loudly and repeatedly, with frequent swearing, over the base PA system until you show up._

_- Why did Hound not remember this from Cybertron?_

_45. Humans. Safety gear is not optional._

_- Motorcycles are dangerous. Even sentient ones._

_- So are race cars, Sideswipe._

_46. Performing stunts from Indiana Jones will result in medbay confinement._

_- No exceptions._

_47. Twister Tournament Day does not exist._

_- Sideswipe._

_- I assume you were hoping Arcee would agree to play?_

_- She didn't._

_- Ironhide did._

_48. There is no planet called Tatooine._

_- I. Am. From. VULCAN._

_- I liked Star Wars as much as the rest of you, but the mistake is getting old._

_49. Gum and metal do not mix._

_- Please don't ask._

_50. Don't get upset when someone asks you if you are related to the Dinobots._

_- Calmly explain the difference between a beastformer and a technorganic._

_- Do NOT tell them to ask Grimlock._

_51. Speaking of the Dinobots, please, please don't encourage them to taunt humans._

_- If I have to explain this, you have processing issues._

_- Skids._

_- Mudflap._

_52. Don't sing "This is Halloween" over and over and over again, even on October 31st._

_- Stop._

_- STOP._

_- I will ban the movie._

_- Don't test me._

_53. Don't teach Annabelle or Sparrow "I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves", "I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts", "It's A Small World", etc._

_- Prowl and I will find you, and we will turn you over to Ratchet._

_54. Ironhide is hereby banned from playing drill sergeant._

_55. No more "Family Guy" for the Twins._

_- Sideswipe, if you don't understand the reference, you shouldn't say it._

_- Asking Galloway if his refrigerator is running was bad enough._

_56. Calling Prowl "Prowlie" or "Prowler" is **extremely** discouraged._

_57. No using your hologram projectors to put embarrassing images near any human._

_- Bumblebee, Galloway, and a green cloud._

_- Give Hound's hologram projector back._

_- Now._

_58. Do NOT play music loudly through the base if you don't understand what the lyrics mean._

_- Blaster. "Love Game". Awkward._

_- Sideswipe. "Barbie Girl". More awkward._

_59. If in vehicle mode, make sure you have a license plate, registration information and anything else required by law with you, and make sure it's current._

_- Expired license plates will get you pulled over._

_- Oops._

_60. The ancient Mayans did not know when the world was going to end._

_- Please don't tell Red Alert that they did._


	5. Chapter 5

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** The usual.

* * *

><p>"Not again." Riella groaned at the sight of the message. "Primus, why me?"<p>

"What?" Sunstreaker poked his head around the corner of her office door. "Who died, and can I help you hide the body?"

Riella shot him a look that she hoped was a glare and suspected was more of a frustrated grimace. "No one, yet."

Sunstreaker stepped all the way into the office and leaned over her shoulder to look at the monitor. "So a better question is, who do you _want _dead, and do you need help with that?"

The femme heaved a sigh. "None needed for the Chevy twins. They're doing fine on their own. As for everybody else, well, don't look at _me_ if and when your brother and Sam's roommate end up in the medbay."

"Hah. If Sides quotes that stupid mammoth movie one more time, _I'll_ put him in the medbay." Sunstreaker sat down on her desk and looked down at the datapad. "Want a hand?"

"Not particularly. You can make suggestions if you want, but I reserve the right to ignore them."

_61. Do not encourage the Autobots to support opposing sports teams._

_- Lennox, you glitchhead. _

_- The Thanksgiving Day football game almost caused a civil war._

_62. Weird Al is only to be listened to on private radios._

_- There are no exceptions to this._

_- None._

_- Half the base has no idea what Star Wars is, let alone finds the song humorous._

_63. On the subject of Star Wars, attaching two small Autobots to shopping carts and having a Pod Race is __**NEVER**__ allowed. _

_- Honestly, Sam was lucky to survive the crash._

_- And as for Skids and Mudflap, you're banned from WalMart. _

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, they _what?_" Sunstreaker groaned. "Please tell me I wasn't that fragging stupid at their age."

"I truly wish I could." Riella raised an eyebrow ridge in his direction.

_64. For the love of Primus, don't use movie quotes in casual conversation._

_-"As you wish." (Everyone in authority would __**very **__much appreciate it if this was no longer the default response!)_

_-"Do you understand the words that I am saying to you now?" (I'll admit I've used it when necessary. ONCE.)_

_-"SQUIRREL!" (Hound thought it was funny once, Miles.)_

_-"Hey you! You in the suit! Take a bath, hippie!" (Sideswipe. Galloway. Need I say more?)_

_-"Let's call it 'Steve'. That's a nice name." (Jazz to Optimus on what to call the new addendum to the Alien/Autobot Cooperation Act. Optimus: "No.")_

_-"They left without me. They do this __every year__! *fake sob* Doesn't anyone love me?" (Bluestreak, shut it. __**No one**__ is allowed on missions when injured.)_

_-"Why am I the poop checker?" (Sideswipe, watching a toddler is not that hard. Stop whining at poor Sarah.)_

_-"Because taking care of it was your idea, because you're small and insignificant, and because I'll pummel you if you don't." (Sarah's response. Which is __**not**__ banned, for the record.)_

_-"Don't think; feel." (The winner of Monday's "most unhelpful rain driving tip", from Bumblebee.)_

_-"THE SKY IS FALLING!" (Wheeljack, __**people believe you when you say that.**__)_

_-"Hakuna matata!" (Sideswipe. To everyone. Please stop.)_

_-"Ixnay on the oopidstay..." (This one's on you, Sunstreaker. No, you don't get a free pass.)_

_-"From now on, you shall refer to me as 'Lord of the Flame'!" (Sunstreaker. Again. The humans figured out lighters a few decades or so ago, it's not an amazing invention.)_

_-"Hey Lord of the Flame, your aft's on fire." (I'll just leave Sideswipe's response here.)_

_-"Scary clown!" (No. Demolisher is not a clown, Blue.)_

_-"Isn't there someone else you can annoy for a while? Friends? Family? Poisonous reptiles?" (__**What**__, I'd had a bad day. Hardly my fault Miles is a moron.)_

She glanced at Sunstreaker, practically daring him to comment. The golden mech grinned and crossed his arms on his chest. "You know, I don't think there are any native poisonous reptiles within about a day's drive from here."

Riella rolled her optics and went back to typing.

_65. The song "If You Were Gay" is not to be sung pointedly in the direction of human government agents._

_- I'll admit to finding it funny, but it's putting a dent in human-Autobot relations._

_66. In fact, Avenue Q songs in general are not encouraged._

_- It was funny once. _

_67. Do not leave Leo or Miles unattended on base._

_- Not even for "a few seconds"._

_- We store explosives here._

_68. If you value your dignity, preview movies before watching them with humans._

_- It's better for everyone that way._

Sunstreaker nodded emphatically. "Seconded. Thirded. How many times can I agree with that?"

_69. No pet adoptions without clearing it with Prowl and Optimus._

_- Apparently there __**is **__such a thing as too many cats._

_- Who knew?_

"I did," Sunstreaker muttered, glaring at the kitten currently trying to scramble up his leg. Riella shot him a warning look.

"Be nice."

_70. Keep an optic on the speed limit and remember that not everything is an emergency._

_- Don't make me name names. You will regret it._

_71. Contrary to popular belief, the song "We Are One" does not motivate the Autobots to work better together._

_- It will most likely have the opposite effect. _

_72. Insulting Prowl within my hearing range is a bad idea._

_- Just ask anyone who has tried it. _

_- Sam._

_- Tai._

_- Leo._

_- I will make you regret it._

"Hey, don't leave Sides and I out." Sunstreaker looked down at the datapad. "Primus knows we clash with Prowl more than anybody on base, but slag, when I found out what the humans call him – and you – "

"Getting all protective on me, Sunny?" Riella arched an eyebrow ridge again and smiled up at him. "You've got a point. I don't know if I've ever heard you insult Prowl and mean it."

"Believe me, if I want to insult him, I know more ways to do it than Ironhide." Sunstreaker rolled his optics. "Just enjoying not being the subject of a rule, 's all."

"Whatever you say."

_73. Please don't point humans with questions to Perceptor._

_- I'm getting complaints about the lectures._

_74. Don't sing in the public washracks._

_- I don't know who gave Sideswipe a recording device, and frankly I don't care._

_- Just find it and destroy it._

_- ASAP._

_75. Ratchet does not enjoy "Dirty Jobs"._

_- Wheeljack enjoys it too much._

_- Please keep this in mind when selecting your viewing material._

"Aaaand speaking of shows Ratchet hates, I'm pretty sure _CSI_'s on." Sunstreaker slid off the desk and stretched. "This was fun, let's do it again."

Riella sighed. "Go away."

"You're the definition of friendly." Sunstreaker picked the kitten up and set it on her shoulder. "There, have some company."

"Bye, Sunny." Riella waited until he was leaving to turn around and smile. "Enjoy your show."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella and Saavik. Fantasy belongs to **fantasyaddict101 **and Tai belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky**; thanks for letting me borrow them!

**A/N: **Thank you for the rule suggestions, Noella! They became rules 79, 83, and 89! Great ideas! I'm sorry to hear about your Mom, it's good she's doing better now.

* * *

><p>Prowl opened his office door, saw his mate sitting on the desk glaring at a datapad, and raised an eyebrow. "Riella, it's been two days. There can't possibly have been enough incidents to necessitate another list of rules."<p>

Riella groaned and rested her forehead in her hands. "How much would you bet on that?"

"It can't be that bad." Prowl winced. "Even with the Chevy twins on base."

Without a word, Riella handed him the datapad and turned back to resting her head in her hands.

_76. Please don't make fun of Grimlock._

_- If I need to explain this, you need Ratchet to examine your processor._

_77. If you know how to reprogram someone's vocalizer, do not use this knowledge to replace certain sounds with clips from the song "I'm Fat"._

_- And for the love of Primus, why would you pick Ironhide?_

_78. You may also not reprogram the comm system to sound like C-3PO._

_- Please. Please._

_- Don't do it._

_79. Vehicle modes are not to be used to outrun Ratchet._

_- He has sirens, and he knows how to use them. _

_- And they will deafen half the base._

_80. Youtube is now monitored._

_- Uploading videos is strictly forbidden._

_Prowl looked up, optics widening. "They didn't." _

"_They did." Riella sat up and put a hand on his arm before the tactician could storm out to hunt down the offenders. "Relax, Blaster's taken the videos down."_

_Prowl's jaw tightened anyway, and his gears ground audibly. "Sideswipe, if I ever see that camera again…"_

_81. If you absolutely must talk like Yoda, stay away from Ratchet._

_- Hit with a wrench, you may be._

_82. Star Wars reenactments are only allowed if monitored by a senior officer._

_- Particularly if lightsabers are involved. _

_83. Ratchet's scans do not cause cancer. Please don't tell the new recruits that it does._

_- Regardless of how blackmail-worthy the results are._

_84. __**Do not misuse the security cameras!**_

_- If I have to say this again, __**certain 'bots**__ will be spending a week in the brig._

"See, I had it covered."

"As if that's going to work." Prowl glared in the general direction of the office camera.

_85. Don't start glitter wars._

_- Sideswipe and Fantasy, I expect to see you in the rec room cleaning within half an hour._

_86. The following objects are no longer permitted on base without clearance:_

_- Saran Wrap_

_- Silly String_

_- Nerf guns_

_- Plastic lightsabers (Don't tell me. I don't want to know.)_

_- Superglue_

_- Mannequins (Don't ask. I wish I didn't know.)_

_- Kleenex_

_- Paintball guns _

_87. When a human asks for the Decepticon attack response plan, the following are not acceptable answers: _

_- Let Sunstreaker sing and hope their audio receptors blow. (Sideswipe.) (No.)_

_- Let them capture the Chevy Twins and wait for them to surrender out of desperation. (Prowl, I know you're frustrated but that isn't helping.)_

Prowl stopped reading and gave her a pointed look. Riella shrugged. "Don't look at me. Cause a problem, end up on the list."

_- Fire everything! (Ironhide.) (Relatively close to the actual plan.)_

_- Do the Macarena and watch them die laughing. (Bumblebee.) (To Simmons.) (Thanks for the nightmares.)_

_- Ya want me to figure it out ahead of time? I ain't never done that! (Skids.) (If you were surprised, I have a cybernet to trade you.)_

_- You don't have any ideas? Damn! (Jazz, we don't need the new soldiers even more nervous...)_

_- You panic, we fight. (Arcee.) (Also rather accurate.)_

_- Me? You want me to tell you? My brain goes blank under pressure! Ask someone else! (Personal opinion: Anyone dumb enough to ask Leo for military plans deserves everything they get.)_

_- Just let Perceptor start talking. They'll die of boredom. (Bluestreak.) (No.)_

_- Well, we start by screaming several human expletives, then we order everyone to get their guns, then we remember we didn't unpack that shipment of ammunition yet… (Yes, technically this is exactly what happens. However, this is not the best way to phrase it, Ultra Magnus.)_

_- What are you asking me for? I just fix the results of your stupidity. (Ratchet.) (I think I heard First Aid once, too.)_

_- Me see anything, me stomp! (Grimlock means that.) (Watch your back.)_

_- Ask the mechs, plans are what they come up with while I kick aft. (Chromia)_

_88. Don't let Saavik near Mojo._

_- This comes under the rule about not upsetting Judy Witwicky. _

_- I think my cat outweighs him._

_89. Ratchet is a medic. It's still a bad idea to underestimate his aim._

_- I can vouch for this._

_- I've seen him take out a Seeker at forty meters._

_- With a wrench._

_90. __**NEVER**__ touch anything in Wheeljack's lab._

_- It's best to avoid it altogether._


	7. Chapter 7

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella and The Claw. Tai belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky **and Fantasy belongs to **fantasyaddict101**; once again, thanks for letting me borrow them!

**A/N: My friend and her brother get credit for rule 107.**

**Today, parked across the street from a motorcycle that looked **_**exactly **_**like Riella's vehicle mode! I was so excited! Squealed and stared at it for five minutes straight! XD**

91. Don't rearrange anyone's office except your own.

-Jazz was mad that I moved his CDs. His office really needed the cleaning, though...

92. These excuses will not help you explain your injuries to Ratchet. Some of them may result in further injury.

-Sam/Miles/Leo/Sideswipe/Sunstreaker/Skids/Mudflap/Jazz/Fantasy/Riella/Chromia/Tai/Sharsky/Fassbinder/Bluestreak/Bumblebee/Ironhide dared me to do it! (Any of the aforementioned)

-Me: It's a really funny story... Ratchet: Why don't you tell it to me? Me: I will, once I figure it out. (He was not amused.)

-It seemed like a good idea at the time! (either set of Twins, Tai, Sam)

-*shrug* I really have _no idea_ where that came from... (Leo, that never works on the Hatchet. He can read patients like books.)

-It wasn't my fault! I swear! (Sam, Miles, Jazz, Bluestreak)

-Well, see, I was just minding my own business, when this little alien from Mars came and... (Sideswipe, what the slag were you thinking?)

-What the frag do you _think_ happened? (Chromia, Ironhide)

-The Claw got me! (Tai, Fantasy, and I should remember that he doesn't leave bruises.)

-Uhhh...can I get back to you on that? (Fassbinder, Miles, Leo, me again)

93. Don't play the song "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" from Mulan over and over and over again in the exercise room.

-Sunny and Sides don't think it's funny. Ratchet laughed, though.

94. 'Talent shows' are fun, but always find out what everyone is doing _before_ you have one.

-Ironhide took out the roof.

95. No more "Calvin and Hobbes" without permission.

-Mostly due to impressionable Twins.

96. No Calvinball!

-It's fun, but it's rather dangerous. Especially the way we play it.

97. Don't change the times for a meeting and then "forget" to inform the humans.

-Galloway was mad that he had to sit in the briefing room for two hours waiting.

98. Update to banned list:

-Silly Putty

-Clown dolls (again, don't ask)

-Nail polish (in the Autobot section)

-Balloon animals (You _really_ don't want to know)

-Ping-Pong balls (Um...yeah)

99. Don't use the electronic message boards to announce something embarrassing done by another 'bot or human.

-I have never seen Sunstreaker so mad.

100. Never, never, never announce "I'm having an identity crisis! I think I'm a potato peeler!" within Ratchet's hearing range.

-Trust me. It's a bad idea. Unless of course you like being in the medbay for a day while he runs a million scans.

101. Don't try to teach the Chevy twins to speak any organic language.

-They can't speak Vulcan. Or Spanish.

102. Don't say "Hi" over and over and over to Ratchet, Ironhide, Prowl, Grimlock, or Wheeljack.

-Ratchet, 'Hide, and Grimlock get violent, Wheeljack gets distracted (which is really, really bad), and Prowl will put you on cleaning duty.

103. Don't change the time on all the base clocks.

-Unless it's Daylight Savings Time.

104. When on the shooting range, follow these rules:

-NEVER walk out into the target area without warning everyone else first.

-Do **NOT** distract Ironhide.

-Don't sing the song "Boom Boom Pow" loudly every time someone arrives.

-Don't label the targets with the names of government agents. Contrary to popular belief, it won't improve your aim.

-If anyone (especially Ironhide or Cliffjumper) says "Oops, not good", run away like Megatron is chasing you. Once you reach a large, solid object, duck behind it and pray.

-Use robot mode or wear earplugs. Especially if you have sensitive ears.

-Don't use the shooting range for anything other than target practice. (See rule 79.)

-If playing a Decepticon in simulations, do NOT wear the Decepticon sticker when near the shooting range.

105. Don't repaint any part of the base without permission.

-I don't want a pink office, Sideswipe.

106. "Tom and Jerry" is not encouraged as a form of entertainment.

-And reenactments are **strictly** forbidden.

107. Do not encourage the Autobots to imitate the human behaviors generally referred to as "boy things".

-Especially Skids and Mudflap.

108. **Never** tell Chromia, "Oh, you deal with him, I'm busy right now."

-She scared poor Jolt half to death.

109. Don't ignore Ratchet. Ever.

-Does this need a caption?

110. Don't threaten the minibots. They are tougher than they look, and Cliffjumper and Brawn are as bad as Ironhide when it comes to being trigger-happy.

-And they don't like bumper stickers, Saran Wrap, or Silly Putty.

**Read and review! Suggestions are welcome!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella.

**A/N: My friend gets credit for rule 111, and my brother gets credit for rules 125 and 126. **

111. Don't imitate Blurr, Warpath, or the Dinobots' speech patterns.

-It's bad enough we can't break them of the habit.

112. Don't borrow and misuse Mirage's invisibility projector.

-Poor 'Raj got blamed for the incident with Defense Secretary Keller. Of course, I bailed him out of the brig when I found out who Optimus automatically suspected. That was another "should have thought it through" moment.

113. Don't make fun of the 'bots whose robot modes have their front bumper on the upper chest.

-Jazz, Bluestreak, and Smokescreen do not appreciate being 'mistaken' for femmes. Although I think in the case of General Morshower it actually was a mistake.

114. Don't scare the medics or the scientists.

-Turns out First Aid screams like a femme. Who knew?

115. Fireworks are only allowed on base on the Fourth of July, and then only with Optimus, Prowl, Ratchet, First Aid, and Red Alert present and a bomb shelter ready for the humans.

-And Wheeljack and the Chevy Twins are not to be allowed near fireworks unless they have first watched every safety video, read the directions twice, and Ratchet or another sane 'bot is standing right next to them. Inferno would prefer it if Hangar 2 didn't catch fire again.

116. Don't let the Corvette Twins tell stories about anyone when they are under the influence of high-grade.

-Prowl was not happy that they told all of his "not my best moment, okay?" stories. I was amazed that they even knew them.

117. Don't tell stories while under the influence of high-grade.

-Apparently that's where the Twins learned all of Prowl's "not my best moment, okay?" stories.

118. No hamsters on base.

-Ever. Period.

119. Request: Stop speaking like Soundwave.

-Reason: Annoys other Autobots.

120. Don't say or do these things randomly either.

-MEATBALLS! (at full volume)

-AIR RAID! (That should be obvious. You will either be knocked down by an enthusiastic Aerialbot, or, more likely, the apocalypse will hit the base when Red Alert freaks.)

-Can I haz cheezburger pleez? (Bee actually went and got me a cheeseburger. Aww...)

-*in a sing-song voice* This is mine, that is yours, you have yours, don't touch mine... (Everyone moved away from Bluestreak. Fast.)

-Nice shoes! (This one really creeps out the Autobots.)

121. Don't ask Wheeljack to help you with pranks.

-He has good ideas, but they're dangerous. To both the pranked and the pranksters.

122. Again, _**DO NOT MISUSE THE SECURITY CAMERAS!**_

-This rule was jointly added by Prowl, Riella, Ironhide, and Chromia. All of whom will be _**VERY TICKED **_if they see the security cameras being used to record their interactions again!

123. The game "20 Questions" is not to be played over and over and over with any short-tempered 'bot.

-Ironhide blew the chair out from under me.

124. Don't kick any mech 'where the sun don't shine', as the humans say.

-It hurts them just as much as it hurts human males. I will say, though, that it's a femme's best weapon.

125. When playing the game 'Metroid Prime', the 'Portal' series, or 'Dead Space', do NOT allow Wheeljack or Red Alert in the room.

-Red will glitch, and Wheeljack will start inventing. Neither one is a good thing.

126. More movies you need permission to watch:

-"Demonic Toys": Red will take away every stuffed animal and toy Annabelle has, and she will scream. He freaked when Miles got a remote control stuffed bear, which no longer exists. Nice, Red.

-The "Lord of the Rings": Every married human will be very, very angry that their wedding rings have been taken. And the Twins will be talking like Gollum for weeks.

-"Friday the 13th": Ironhide destroyed Leo's hockey equipment. We are no longer allowed to watch hockey on-base. Also, Red shot the calendar when he saw it was Friday. (He doesn't check dates very well.)

-"Napoleon Dynamite": Ironhide won't stop saying "With a freakin' twelve-gauge, what'd'ya think?"

-"Hellraiser": Do I even need a caption?

127. Don't sing any songs from Veggietales.

-Prowl was hitting himself repeatedly in the head, yelling, "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" That's a really scary image, just for the record.

128. NEVER repaint Sunstreaker while he's recharging.

-Even though he looks really good in pink.

129. Don't spike any human's drink with energon.

-It's nontoxic in small amounts, but it's...an acquired taste, shall we say.

130. "Twilight" is forever banned on base.

-Yes, this one is aimed at the human females. The 'bots do not appreciate being compared to angsty teenage vampires.

**Read and review! Suggestions are welcome!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella. Tai belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky** and Fantasy belongs to **Fantasyaddict101**. Thanks for letting me use them!

**A/N: My friend gets partial credit for rule 22; we actually did write that song! If anyone wants the full lyrics, just let me know! XD**

_This is Prowl again. A few more rules for living with technorganics._

21. Do **NOT** encourage them to team up against the Twins for a prank war.

-The base was almost destroyed.

22. Don't play the song "I Won't Say I'm In Love" around them.

-Riella and Tatyana wrote a parody of it, centered around Saavik trying to steal Riella's lunch; it was funny the first 17 times. "I thought my cat had learned her lesson/She was so good when I sat down..."

23. Don't copy their hand gestures without knowing what they mean.

-Sideswipe is still in trouble for showing me his middle finger.

24. I will ban Weird Al completely if I hear "Dare To Be Stupid" one more time.

-No, this isn't really aimed at technorganics, but it needs to be said.

25. Never try to blackmail a technorganic.

-They save all their incriminating/embarrassing evidence for those occasions.

26. **NEVER, NEVER, NEVER** target their young sparklings for pranks.

-You will be in the medbay for weeks.

27. Never assume that anything is fireproof, 'idiotproof', or in any way safe when in their possession.

-Or Wheeljack's.

28. If you hear the phrase "Hey guys! Watch this!" or any variant from them, run like Unicron is on your aft.

-If you value your life and dignity.

29. If someone is pranked in any way, the list of most likely culprits is as follows. Suspect them first, even if the evidence seems to point to someone else.

-The Corvette Twins

-Sam and Tatyana

-Leo, Miles, Sharsky, or Fassbinder

-Riella

-The Chevy Twins

-Arcee or Jazz

-Ratchet

30. Don't encourage them to spend time with Wheeljack.

-Tatyana is amazingly good at causing explosions.

31. Don't challenge Riella to any trivia game, including but not limited to "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader?", "Jeopardy", or "Twenty Questions".

-You will lose. Very, very badly.

32. Do not allow Tatyana or Fantasy to cook.

-They spend too much time around the scientists and the Twins.

33. Never help them avoid medical check-ups with Ratchet or First Aid.

-You will have at least one wrench dent. Depending on how much help you offered them, you may have _your_ check-up next.

34. **NEVER** flip off Riella.

-Do I need to explain?

35. Please, for the love of Primus, don't enlist their pets to help you with pranks.

-You are not the one who had to deal with Tatyana after the Twins tried locking Psyche in Ironhide's room.

**Read and review! Suggestions are welcome!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella. Tai belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky**, and rule 138 was her idea. Thank you so much, Tatyana!My brother gets credit for inspiring the Metroid-related rules.

_Once again, nice list, Prowl! Although, Rule 34, Tai gets away with it because she does it out of love! (Or so she says...)_

131. At parties, always consider the audience carefully before choosing something to play.

-Simmons actually thought "Party in the CIA" was funny. Galloway, however, did not. I'm not even sure why he was invited...

132. Once again, please don't quote movies randomly.

-"I like you temporarily!" (A favorite of anyone to Simmons)

-"I can smell you!" (Sideswipe to Ratchet. He has a dent on his forehead.)

-"Do we have to get a news flash every time your body does something?" (me to Leo)

-"I LIKE IKE!" (I think I already explained this one...)

-"It's not the years, it's the mileage." (Ratchet to the Corvette Twins, responding to the usual "old 'bot" taunts)

-"Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-yous, I'd say...Eastern Ukraine." (Jazz, on the location of the Decepticon signal)

-"Hi, Jonesie!" (Sides and Sunny love Indiana Jones)

-"I know it's hard for you, but please stay here, and try not to do anything...stupid." (Shockingly, Prowl to Epps. Epps laughed.)

-*sing-song voice* "I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it?" (The Chevy Twins...over and over and over and over...)

-"Don't count on it, slimeball." (Jazz to a random Decepticon)

-"You're the devil." (Lennox to Wheeljack after an explosion)

-"The North American red squirrel is a native of Venezuela. Its interests include good books, long walks..." (Sides and Tai making fun of Perceptor)

-"You! You are vile vermin!" (me to Starscream, who looked rather disturbed)

-"Ooh! Gotta go wee-wee!" (Leo and Miles are disgusting.)

-"I don't think he has a "cute" anything." (Sunny about Galloway)

-"Perhaps we could throw him back?" (Lennox's response)

-"I've got it, I've got it. Don't worry." (Oh, I'm worried, Skids.)

-"That is the most immaculate hat in the entire army, General Morshower." (He just stared at Optimus...)

133. Update to the banned list:

-Chalk (unless Annabelle is on base)

-Play-Doh (again, only Annabelle can have it)

-Those electronic buzzers that they use in some restaurants (Red fritzed when Sunny left one in his office and activated it.)

134. Never let Prowl have high-grade. Even small amounts make him act weird.

-Completely overcharged Prowl is insane Prowl. I believe I mentioned what happened that one time...

-Partially overcharged Prowl...well, let's just say he's quite the cuddler, and I'm not that big on 'public displays of affection'.

135. No wrench-throwing contests.

-Ratchet wins.

136. Don't play the song "Sweet Little Bumblebee" around Bee.

-He liked it a bit too much...it's still stuck in my head!

137. Dance contests are a bad idea.

-Ultra Magnus caused an earthquake.

138. Don't get alarmed when Tai snorts when she's laughing.

-It just means she forgot to breathe. Although, it scared First Aid into glitching.

139. Running through the base screaming "RATS!" is not encouraged.

-Ratchet prescribed therapy for Miles.

140. Prowl has threatened to ban the Mission Impossible theme song from the base if he hears anyone humming it.

-It's really catchy!

141. Do NOT play the Magmoor Caverns theme from Metroid Prime over and over and over again in the medbay.

-I like the song. Ratchet doesn't.

142. On the subject of Metroid, **never** call Chromia "Dark Samus".

-If you value your life.

143. Also, do not announce "Samus Aran, intergalactic bounty hunter!" when I walk into a room.

-I'm looking at you, Twins! It isn't funny anymore. Yes, I might look a bit like her, but what have I said about comparisons?

145. Don't play the song "I Don't Dance" when Prowl walks into a room.

-He can dance, he just doesn't want to.

146. Guitar battles are now forbidden on base.

-Turns out guitars are formidable weapons.

147. Never say "Oops, I think I just ate mouse poison!" within Ratchet's hearing range.

-That was the most awkward examination ever. Prowl was not sympathetic.

148. "Super Smash Brothers Brawl" should **NEVER** be reenacted.

-'Nuff said.

149. When the Decepticons attack, never say any of the following:

-CRAPOLA! *at full volume capacity* (Sunny and Sides love that word)

-Oh man, now where'd I put the guns? Don't tell me they were in the building that just blew up! (Very funny, Jazz.)

-Uh, this is bad, right? (Yes, Bluestreak.)

-Okay, so this is where you panic and run. (Arcee and me, to any humans)

-AHAHAHAHAHA! (Ironhide's evil laugh is very, very scary...)

-On three, everybody scream! (Epps)

-Puny hyoo-mans run! Dinobots STOMP! (Guess who)

150. If you are a mech or human male, don't question why a femme or human female does something.

-We don't always need a reason to do things, and that's just fine.

**Read and review! Suggestions are welcome!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella. Tai belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky**; thanks for the loan!

**Yes, I have been watching TF:Prime. XD**

151. Don't say any of these things for no reason. ("Just 'cause I can" is not a reason.)

-Excuse me, can we stop for pie? (Miles likes this one.)

-Has anyone seen my anaconda? It's been missing for a day or so. On a different subject, has anyone seen Sam lately? (I almost fainted when Leo said that to Red Alert.)

-Aww, it's Beauty and the Beast! (You'd think Sideswipe would know by now that Ironhide and Chromia wouldn't find that funny.)

-Oh, don't worry, it won't kill you. Not for a few minutes anyway. (Tai, girl, that was _not_ something Ratchet needed to hear.)

-And the emu says "Yeah!" (Prowl laughed so hard he almost fell over. I didn't think it was that funny... O.o)

152. Jazz, Jolt, Optimus, Bluestreak, Ratchet, Ironhide, and any other 'bot with a GPS will not appreciate it if you imitate the GPS voice every time they ask you a question.

-"So, where do I find Optimus's office?" *GPS voice* "Turn left at the first office, please. Turn left at the first office, please."

153. When sparring with Ironhide, if Ratchet is in the room, never say "Oops, I kind of wanted that!"

-I laughed at Sides when he was in the medbay.

154. Never show Grimlock or any of the Dinobots a football game.

-Poor Prowl ended up in the medbay. All he was doing was walking across the soccer field...where unfortunately the Dinobots were practicing some of what they'd seen the humans do...

155. NEVER scream very loudly for no reason.

-Prowl puts up with so much from me. Some days I'm not sure why he stuck around...but I'm really glad he did...

156. Don't make fun of my height in robot mode.

-So I'm the smallest non-minibot on base. I'm a motorcycle! I'm supposed to be short! Arcee, you're not _that_ much taller!

157. Don't use the cats to get revenge on government liasons.

-Even though it's shockingly effective.

158. A tip for government agents; don't think you can pick on me just because I don't look like an Autobot in organic mode.

-"So, the fact that you're yelling at her means you want to get stepped on, right?" Oh, Prowl...I love you.

159. Never unplug the wireless router and "forget" to mention it.

-Everyone was really, really mad.

160. Don't repeat the song "Party in the USA" over and over and over in the brig.

-According to Prowl, that's cruel and unusual punishment.

161. Don't spar with Grimlock.

-Again, enough said.

162. "I'm a vegetarian - except for steak! I love steak!"

-Everyone stared at me, because they all know I'm not vegetarian.

163. The Tim Hawkins song "The Dog's On Fire" should NEVER be sung around Hound.

-Some days I think Sides is a few functions short of a full OS. But Primus, it was funny!

164. In the winter, always remember to brush off any snow or mud _before_ getting into any Autobot's vehicle mode.

-I got snow in Jazz's passenger seat. He gave me the silent treatment for a full day. Sparkling.

165. Don't eat or drink inside any Autobot's vehicle mode, unless you have permission and are really careful not to make a mess.

-Optimus was ticked that I spilled my water inside him, and Hound has a purple spot on his aft from where Tai spilled grape juice.

166. Don't whine to Ratchet.

-He isn't sympathetic unless you're really hurt and it didn't happen because you were stupid.

167. No "Phineas and Ferb" on base.

-Thanks to Wheeljack. I didn't know broccoli could be explosive.

168. Don't bet the Chevy Twins that they can't lick their elbows.

-It was very quiet on base for three days. Then they figured out it's physically impossible unless you can rotate your elbow, which they can't.

169. We are not allowed to make multiple email accounts just to confuse the 'bots.

-Ratchet wanted to know who "methegreatestever" was. (Sideswipe).

We _are_ allowed to make multiple accounts to confuse government agents.

170. The song "Do I Creep You Out" by Weird Al is now permanently banned from base.

-Nice going, Sides and Sunny.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author: **T'Reilani

**Title: **Life as a Technorganic

**Summary: **Riella's guidelines for living as a technorganic.

**Rating: **T for safety.

**Disclaimer:** I only own Riella. Tai belongs to **Tatyana Witwicky**; thanks for the loan!

171. Never show the 'bots the site "I Can Haz Cheezburger?"

-Next day, I came into the rec room, and on the wall, there was a poster-size picture of The Claw on my desk, with the caption "Dis iz mine, getz you ownz!"

172. To go along with the above, don't take pictures of the 'bots and put them up with funny captions.

-Although the caption "I haz major skillz" went very well with that picture Sides got of Prowl training.

173. Never, never, never say, "I wish I had a [insert name of object]" within Wheeljack's hearing.

-My Varia Suit was incredibly awesome!...hence the past tense...barely made it out before the explosion...it worked while it was intact though!

174. Do NOT play music from the genres "screamo" or "heavy metal" over the PA system.

-Prowl was twitching violently for a week, even in recharge. And every time I tried to go recharge on the couch, he latched on and wouldn't let go. Adorable, but annoying when I'm tired.

175. Update to the banned list:

-Spray paint (Do I need to explain?)

-Rubber band guns

-Fake spiders larger than 6 inches across (yes, they make those)

-Cows (don't ask)

176. There is no holiday for weasel stomping.

-Sides and Sunny listen to way too much Weird Al for their own good. And everyone else's.

177. Don't reenact your favorite video games with Airsoft guns.

-Even though that boss battle with the Twins vs. Ironhide was impressive, they got hurt. Not 'Hide. The Twins.

178. When arguing with Prowl, never say, "I bet _Starscream's_ not this much of a tight-aft!"

-Wow, Jolt...you were lucky to get off with cleaning duty.

179. NEVER play the Chicken Dance music over the PA system.

-I think half the 'bots on base glitched after five minutes.

180. Never give Tai energy drinks.

-Primus, girl...I had no idea you could move that fast!

181. Don't wear high heels when there's a possibility you might have to run. Shoes (preferably boots) with a low heel are okay, but nothing higher than an inch and a half.

-Trust me on this one. Almost broke an ankle trying to run in high heels. Ratchet was mad.

182. Never, never, never scream randomly, "MY HEAD HURTS! STOP YELLING! IT'S TOO LOUD! WHY CAN'T YOU BE QUIET?"

-Tai and I ended up in the medbay undergoing therapy. The look on Jolt's face was worth it.

183. The song "Part Of Your World" is indefinitely banned from base.

-I can't help singing it! It's catchy!

184. If Wheeljack says, "How do we evacuate the base really fast?" or anything similar, run like Unicron himself is in 'Jack's lab.

-You just never know...what's in there might be worse.

185. To go along with the earlier rule about Tim Hawkins songs, never sing "The Government Can" at Galloway.

-That song makes just about everybody on base (except the government agents) laugh.

186. This one is for Miles, Leo, Sharsky, and Fassbinder. NEVER try to get Psyche to carry Saavik around the base.

-Psyche wouldn't have hurt my kitten, or so Tai says, but Saavik doesn't know that.

187. More movies you should ask permission to watch:

-"Indiana Jones": Thanks to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, who wouldn't stop quoting them. And Mudflap and Skids, who wouldn't stop imitating them.

-The "Simpsons" movie: I think Tai explained this one...I will just say one word. Quotes.

-"High School Musical" and any of its sequels: Mikaela, those songs get really, really old after the fiftieth time!

-Any of the "Saw" movies: The 'bots (and I) don't think watching people die is funny.

188. Don't post sound clips of the 'bots saying strange things on the Internet.

-I got a great clip of Prowl saying, "I am _not_ insane, and the voice in my head agrees with me!" (In a strange turn of events, he was joking around with Jazz. From the same incident, I got a clip of Jazz saying, "Oh yeah? Well, SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!") Prowl actually managed to give me the silent treatment for a whole fifteen minutes over that.

189. Never decide to make evil versions of all the 'bots on the computer, and then post the pictures on the walls of the mess hall.

-Ironhide looked _really_ scary...so did Sunstreaker...and Tai...and me...although Prowl said he liked the outfit I had on. o.O

190. If Ratchet is mad at you, you can hide in offices or rooms belonging to the following:

-Me (Just make sure Prowl's not in there.)

-Jazz (who's pretty good about that sort of thing)

-Bumblebee doesn't have an office, but you can hide behind him...unless Ratchet is throwing things.

-Sides and Sunny...who are probably the reason Ratchet is after you in the first place.

-Do NOT hide in offices or rooms belonging to Optimus, Red Alert, Ratchet, Barricade, or Major Lennox.


	13. Chapter 13

**Riella belongs to me, Tai belongs to Tatyana Witwicky, and Fantasy belongs to fantasyaddict101! Tatyana Witwicky also gets credit for rule 198! **

191. "Primus, give me the serenity to accept what I can't change, the strength to change what I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the ones I had to offline because they ticked me off. LIKE MY BROTHER!"

-Really, Sunny?...Sides spent the rest of the day hiding under my desk.

192. NEVER dare Mudflap to try and swallow a mattress.

-Sides and I were inspired by the warning on the label. It was funny, until Ratchet found out who was responsible.

193. When Ratchet asks you to do something, never respond with any of the following.

-You want fries with that? (Tai)

-I'm busy. Make an appointment and I might get to it next year. (Me)

-NO! (Sunny, Leo, Miles, Skids, and Mudflap really do have a death wish)

-*sob* Why does the universe HATE me? *more sobbing* (Blue)

-Awesome! Just give me a fifteen-minute head start! (Sides)

194. Don't tape whoopie cushions to random chairs in the briefing room right before a meeting.

-I got Defense Secretary Keller, Galloway, _and_ Lennox one time.

195. When being scolded by Optimus, Prowl, or Ratchet for something you said, never use the following excuses:

-I was misquoted! (Me.)

-But it's true! You want me to tell the truth, right? (Sides and Sunny.)

-*while pointing at the opposite person or 'bot* He/She told me to say it! (Skids, Mudflap, Leo, Miles, Arcee, Moonracer)

-So...how's the weather? (Tai and Fantasy.)

196. Always listen to announcements over the PA system and obey them, even if it's a drill.

-Three humans ignored the intruder alarm, because they knew it was a drill. Skids turned his optics red and snuck up behind them in a dark hallway...my audio receptors are still ringing. Ow.

197. Never tell the Aerialbots about the 'frozen turkey' test for military planes.

-It involves shooting frozen turkeys at their cockpits at high velocity. Scared Fireflight and Air Raid into hiding.

198. Always be prepared for random quotes from Tai...they are quite common.

-So forgive me and shut up. (I've started using this.)

-Apparently I fell asleep on a nuclear reactor and my brain melted. ("Why am I not surprised?" Hahaha, Prowl.)

-Hellooooo day! Don't chew on my shoes! (I did _not_ freak out at that one!)...(Excuse me while I go finish screaming.)

-Sprite! I refuse to let you kill me! (Should've seen Ratchet's response coming, Tai-dye.)

-Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP? (Me: "There was? Why didn't anyone mention this?" I take her too seriously sometimes...)

199. Never announce loudly "I HAFTA GO POTTY, BUT I'M GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE!"

-Ironhide literally threw Leo at the bathroom.

200. NEVER sing the song, "Things You See In A Graveyard" around Red Alert.

-It almost sent him into stasis. Plus the really high notes gave Optimus a processor ache.

201. Don't encourage Leo and Miles to do anything.

-Trust me, it's a bad idea.

202. Quotes from Ice Age are now banned.

-Hey! Take your problems OFF THE ROAD! (Me to Ratchet. I had to transform to vehicle mode and break the speed limit to get away.)

-Yeah, see, this one year my family tied me up, and they gagged me with a field mouse, and they rolled a big rock in front of the cave, and covered their tracks, and went to water so I'd lose their scent, and... (Bluestreak, trying to explain...I don't know what, actually)

-Oh, come on, no one falls asleep that fast! (Jazz to Prowl, who was faking recharge at his desk)

-Woo! Who's up for round two! *looks around* Uh, I mean, tell the kid to be more careful. (Sideswipe, after an incident with Sparrow, Techno, and Annabelle)

-A conversation between Sideswipe and Skids:

(Sides)Hey, I found a shortcut!

(Skids)No thanks, I choose life.

(Sides)Then I suggest you take the shortcut...

(Skids)Is that a threat?

(Sides)MOVE, SLOTH!

203. Never show the 'bots Geico commercials.

-Both sets of Twins wouldn't stop saying, "Can Geico really save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance?" *dramatic pause* "Does a woodchuck chuck wood?" Then they all started giggling manically and throwing wood.

204. Update to the banned list:

-Exercise balls (anywhere except in the exercise room)

-Cotton candy (thanks to Leo)

-Blank bumper stickers

205. NEVER superglue a mech or a femme to their recharge berth.

-This was the incident that led to rule 191.

206. Never steal socks from Epps as a joke.

-One word. EWWWW!

207. Mirage is a really, really perverted drunk.

-Even Ironhide was a little grossed out by some of his jokes.

208. Never start talking about gory ways to die and giggling insanely.

-Ratchet kept me in the medbay for three days.

209. No more Caramelldansen!

-That has _got_ to be the most annoying song on this planet or any other. Not to mention catchy.

210. I am no longer allowed to drink more than two cups of coffee.

-I was vibrating for two days after the coffee drinking contest with Leo.


	14. Chapter 14

**As usual, Riella's all I own. Tai and Sparrow are Tatyana Witwicky's, and Fantasy belongs to fantasyaddict101.**

211. Never try to teach Mudflap, Skids, or Grimlock math.

-Ow...my processor...someone sedate me please...

212. Don't set your cellphone to have a very annoying ringtone, then refuse to answer it.

-Mine was the song "Weasel Stomping Day"...Prowl really, really, really hates that song now. Not that he liked it before.

213. Don't announce loudly, "I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me!"

-Prowl, Optimus, Jazz, and Tai laughed...Ratchet made me take three different mental tests.

214. When cooking, never say any of the following:

-IT'S ALIVE! (Tai)

-Oops...didn't expect it to do that...wonder if Wheeljack could use this in his latest experiment? (Me)

-Oooh, pretty colors! (Fantasy)

-YIKES! RUN! (Miles)

-YES! I have made FIRE! (Leo)

215. Don't quote The Clone Wars TV show.

-We all heard the orders, echo! (Sunny to Sides, who thought it would be fun to repeat everything I said)

-Eat laser, tincan! (Ironhide...O.o)

-And _you_ didn't want to fix the rear shields! Nice one, Skyguy! (Me to Silverbolt, who was in the medbay...I have no sympathy. Heehee.)

216. "If there's a prize for rotten judgment/I guess I've already won that/No mech is worth the aggravation/That's ancient history/Been there, done that!"

-Arcee really got Sideswipe good...of course, I had to reply with, "Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'/He's the earth and heaven to ya..." She threw a brick at me.

217. DO NOT tease Sparrow by asking if you can use her X-Box mode to play games.

-Twins! Do you _want_ Tai to kill you?

218. Don't make fun of others' tastes in TV shows.

-Prowl and I happen to like CSI Miami, okay? Sideswipe, stop hiding my DVD set!

219. NEVER hide the chocolate bars.

-That's MINE! MY CANDY! *ahem* Leave it alone. OR DIE!

220. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, do NOT practice jet judo on the Aerialbots.

-Or Silverbolt will leave you staked out for the Seekers.

221. When ordering pizza, please consider the tastes of everyone who will be eating it.

-In other words, no anchovies (Tai and I can't stand them), peppers (green or red)(I'd rather die than eat them, and Epps agrees), or very spicy sausage (You really don't want to know what it does to the digestive systems of certain humans, who will remain unnamed to protect the author).

222. The following phrases should not be used to make "I survived" T-shirts. Even though they're very funny.

-I survived: A PMSing Riella. (It's not my fault I'm very hormonal!) (Prowl put this one up on the wall.) (I gave him the silent treatment for an hour.)

-I survived: raising Sunny and Sides. But just barely. (My favorite.)

-I survived: calling Ratchet 'The Hatchet'. (A major achievement.)

-I survived: kicking Megatron's aft. (It's a pity Optimus can't wear a T-shirt.)

-I survived: Prowl's rule list. (My revenge for the PMSing Riella shirt.) (Hahahaha!)

-I survived: getting chased down by a Decepticon, pantsed by a smaller one, the Autobots wrecking my backyard, my parents meeting Mikaela, getting arrested by the government twice, finding the AllSpark, battling more Decepticons, and throwing the AllSpark into Megatron's spark chamber. In other words, a normal day. (Sam didn't think it was funny.) (That shirt took a lot of work! *pouts*)

223. Never type your reports in all capital letters.

-That really annoys Prowl.

224. When something bad happens to Galloway, we are no longer allowed to start singing "Schadenfreude".

-It's really funny! Even Prowl got in on it!

225. Wear sunscreen. Always.

-Tai has a bad habit of announcing sunburns to the base...by slapping the victim on the back. I will get you for that, Tai...I will!

226. No videotaping Autobots or humans, editing the audio so that it sounds like they are saying bizarre things, and posting the results on Youtube.

-For once, the joke was on the Twins! Leo and Miles _can_ be useful sometimes, apparently.

227. The game "Poke" is banned from base.

-It's played by repeatedly poking someone and saying "Poke!"...yes, really. It's amazing it wasn't banned before this.

228. As is the song "It's A Small World".

-Does this need a caption?

229. And while I'm at it, an update to the list of banned items:

-All copies of "Twilight" and any related items (I guess the earlier rule wasn't enough, and Prowl's finally had enough of it)

-Rubber lizards (Don't ask!)

-Dried insects (Miles needs a new hobby)

-Icepicks

-Dandelions (How was _I _supposed to know Galloway's allergic?)

230. Never, never, never call Prowl "Herr Kommandant".

-Leo, Miles, Sam, Tai, Twins, Simmons, and the rest of you nuisances.

-Prowl added the caption! I swear!


	15. Chapter 15

**The usual disclaimers! Riella's all I own! Rules 233, 234, and 236 were suggestions from Tatyana Witwicky! Thank you so much! I appreciate it!**

231. Never sing "I Think I'm A Clone Now" over and over and over again.

-The Corvette Twins like that song...Barricade twitched very, very violently.

232. Never tell the Chevy Twins, "People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door."

-Let's just say it gave them ideas...on the bright side, they were busy for a full day.

233. When Tai starts dancing randomly, just let it go. She's mentally fine, I swear.

-It's just Hatsune Miku songs. Which I personally find rather catchy. So quit it with the mentality tests, Ratchet!

234. If you see a strange or different-looking character walking around...DON'T SHOOT! PLEASE!

-I _knew_ letting Tai talk me into cosplaying was a bad idea, but what can I say, I'm a total pushover.

235. The song "Barbie Girl" is never to be played on base again.

-Blame the Twins. Again.

236. Tai and I are no longer allowed to perform "Happy Synthesizer". *pouts*

-Apparently it disturbs the new recruits...but it was fun! Lots of fun! ("Riella, you're talking like Tai again.") (Sorry, Prowl, caffeine does that to me.)(Speaking of which, who spiked my energon?)

237. When talking to any government agents, never announce, "I hear voices in my head, and they don't like you."  
>-Enough said.<p>

238. Frogs are not to be used for pranks.

-Bummer.

239. Never write backwards.

-Unless the report is going to Galloway. In which case, you are allowed to write backwards, upside down, and make up words if you want.

240. The following will not be accepted as excuses for missing a meeting.

-Farmville. (Need I say more?)

-Aliens abducted me and returned me just now. (We _are_ aliens, Skids.)

-Oh, there was a meeting? (You know perfectly well there was, Sideswipe!)

-Just didn't want to come. (No one else did either, but we showed up, now didn't we?)

-My favorite TV show was on. (That excuse would work a lot better, Sunstreaker, if I hadn't checked the schedule.)

-I had better things to do. (Prowl admits this one might be true, but I still don't get away with it.)

241. The Weird Al song "Polka Face" is also banned from base.

-If it weren't for "The Saga Begins", Prowl would have banned Weird Al entirely.

242. And on that subject, Weird Al music videos should NEVER be shown to any of the 'bots.

-Poor Jolt. For the record, I'm not the one who showed him "Perform This Way".

243. If you get spam emails, do NOT forward them to Optimus, Prowl, or Ratchet.

-They hate it. Really, really, _really_ hate it.

-As usual, you are welcome to send them to Galloway.

244. Never offer to pay the little ones to clean something for you.

-Not only will you be out ten dollars, you'll also have to clean it yourself again after they're done.

245. Along that line of thought, NEVER let Sideswipe and Sunstreaker babysit.

-I learned that back when Bluestreak was little. I still don't know what kind of paint that was, but it didn't come off very well...

246. The following responses should not be used when answering a cellphone or comlink:

-"I'm sorry, your call could not be completed at this time. Please try again later." (Sides and Sunny...who else?)

-"Who died this time, and where do we hide the body?" (Me.)

-"AAAAAAAHH! WHY WON'T EVERYBODY _LEAVE ME ALONE!_" (Bluestreak likes drama...in case you couldn't tell.)

-"You again? Call back later. I'm busy flossing my otter." (Tai...)

-Anything loudly and frantically in Cybertronian. (on cellphones only)

247. No imitating Rod and Nicky from Avenue Q.

-Sides and Sunny love that musical.

248. Playing pop music over the PA system is strictly forbidden.

-Not that anyone really pays attention to this one. I actually have to agree with it, though.

249. Snowball fights inside the base are a bad idea.

-Do I have to explain?

-Not to mention, Red Alert hates snow...

250. The song "The Touch" is never to be played around Optimus again.

-He liked it the first fifteen times.


	16. Chapter 16

**The usual disclaimers! I don't own anything but Riella! **

251. When you are hanging out with the Twins (either set) you are always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

-Try explaining three giant oil drums filled with pink paint...sitting in the rec room... *sighs* They need a babysitter.

252. "Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, monster, atom bomb, God, pizza box, spaceship, Chuck Norris, lightsaber..."

-Some people have too much time on their hands...on the bright side (or not?) that game lasts much longer now!

253. "South Park" is now banned from base.

-Prowl has heard "Kyle's Mom Is A Stupid Bitch" one time too many.

-So have I, even though I didn't ban the show.

254. Do NOT try to make me read or watch Twilight.

-"I WON'T DO IT! EVER! I'D RATHER DIE! OR BE MEGATRON'S 'FACING SLAVE! SO GET A LIFE! VAMPIRES _DO NOT SPARKLE!_ PRIMUS! GO BUG SOMEONE ELSE! FALL OFF A CLIFF! I DON'T CARE! JUST NEVER BRING THAT UP AROUND ME! BECAUSE I WILL NEVERNEVERNEVERNEVERNEVER BE A FAN!"

-The entire hangar was dead silent for about five minutes.

-Prowl glitched.

-Maggie just stared at me with a funny look. "All I said was...maybe you could watch with us tonight..."

255. Further banned items:

-Hot Wheels (Red asked where Sunny was, and Sides held up a little yellow Corvette with a grin...)

-Bowling balls (You don't want to know)

-Rubber snakes over two feet long (I still have some. Shh.)

-Penguin suits (You should have seen the look on Optimus's faceplate when Sam, Miles, and Leo walked by...)

256. Blaster, if you start playing the CSI: Miami theme one more time when I walk past the comm center, I will let Wheeljack experiment on you.

-Just because someone likes a song, doesn't mean they want to hear it fifty-seven times in two days!

257. When making a report, do not reenact the issue you are describing.

-"And then he went 'NO! I RULE THE UNIVERSE!'. And I went, 'NO YOU DON'T!'"

-Prowl does not find it amusing.

258. When riding in any Autobots' vehicle forms, be careful what music you listen to.

-'Hide is not a Weird Al fan.

-Barricade hates loud rap music.

-Optimus just doesn't like the same song being played over and over and over and over.

259. Drawing on any recharging 'bot's faceplate is not encouraged.

-Poor Optimus...

260. Never replace the coffee in the coffee machine with decaf for a few weeks, then switch to double espresso.

-The rec room looked like a trailer park after several tornados have gone through it.

261. Flashlight (or headlight) tag with the 'bots is a horrible, horrible idea.

-Grimlock tripped over Skids and caused an earthquake; Arcee almost flattened Sam; Sunny threw a fit when Mudflap ran into him, and tackled the nearest 'bot, who was, unfortunately, Ratchet coming to see what the racket was; Sides ran through the power lines; and Ratchet, Skids, Sunny, Sides, and Mudflap all ended up with broken headlights.

262. "This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!"

-"Riella, _shut up!_"

-"Sorry, Chromia, couldn't resist."

263. Never throw things at Grimlock.

-Trust me.

264. Do NOT let Frankie and Mojo chase the cats!

-Twins!

-Leo!

-Miles!

-I don't appreciate it!

265. Justin Bieber is forever banned from base.

-For some of the same reasons as "Twilight".

**I know it's short...I think I'm running out of ideas!**

**Suggestions are more than welcome!**


	17. Chapter 17

**The usual disclaimers! Riella's all I own! **

266. Humans, never, ever try to look under an Autobot's hood when they are in vehicle mode. Especially a femme's.

-It's very, very rude.

-They will threaten you with dismemberment.

267. NEVER interrupt Sides and Sunny when they're watching Nascar.

-They really, really love it...their apartment has posters all over the walls.

268. Don't play I-Spy with Smokescreen.

-He cheats by changing whatever the original thing was as soon as you guess it.

-He also likes gambling.

-He won $15 off of me before I found out what he was doing.

269. Stupid bumper stickers are forbidden, unless the 'bot in question agrees to wear it.

-I bought a whole bunch of customized ones that said things like "I brake for 'Cons" and "Decepticon in disguise" (that one was for Red Alert).

-Optimus really did not like that.

-Neither did Ratchet.

-Or Sunstreaker.

-Or Red Alert.

-Or...you get the picture.

270. Never decide to randomly share strange and/or disturbing facts.

-Particularly ones involving the human reproductive system.

-Or computers.

-Or Chihuahuas.

271. Never, ever let Skids and Mudflap play Battleship, or any similar game.

-They never finish because they argue too much.

-The result is usually a trip to the medbay for them and a trip to the local mall to buy another copy of the game for whoever let them use it.

272. Capture the Flag is permanently banned.

-Whose dumb idea was it to let Wheeljack make the flags anyway?

-Oh yeah, that was me... -_-

273. Never let either set of twins within twenty feet of a staple gun.

-Ever.

-For any reason.

-I don't care if the base is going to fall down if you don't give it to them.

-Don't let them have it!

274. Don't let Wheeljack "modify" the shooting range without approval from Optimus, Prowl, Ratchet, and Red Alert.

-He didn't inform Red about the changes he made, and, well...let's just say we need new targets.

-And new cover positions.

-Actually, we pretty much have to replace everything except the ground.

275. Wheeljack is also never allowed to watch any of the Spiderman movies.

-"I'm SPIDER MECH!"

-"Skids, get off the ceiling Right Now or so help me..."

276. Never doubt Murphy's laws of combat.

-They're far more accurate than Sides thought.

277. Steeljaw and Ramhorn will not "sit", "stay", or "roll over".

-And they don't appreciate being asked to.

278. Never quote Calvin and Hobbes.

-"Made in God's image, yes sir!" "God must have a goofy sense of humor." - Epps and Sideswipe.

-"Oh yeah? Oh _yeah?_ Well, remember what you said, because in a couple of days I'll have a blistering retort! You'll be devastated _then_, I promise!" - Bee really made me laugh that day.

-"He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!" - Skids...I decided not to ask.

-"See? If you don't make each decision carefully, you never know where you'll end up. That's a lesson we should learn sometime." - Sunny.

-"Bad news, Prime. I promised my spark to Unicron today." "Oh? That recently?" - Jazz and Prime, of course. Hilarious conversation!

-"I guess girls actually mature as they get older." - Arcee to Sideswipe.

-"It must be sad being a species with so little imagination." - Prowl may _act_ like he has no sense of humor, but every time he talks to Galloway, I fall over laughing...

279. Stop playing the song "All I Ever Wanted" whenever Ironhide and Chromia walk past.

-If you value your interfacing equipment.

280. Also, Jazz, do not repeatedly play the song "I'm Too Sexy" around Prowl.

-It's a very, very annoying song!

281. Never name your electronics after Decepticons.

-"Has anyone seen my Laserbeak?"

-That caused major alarm.

-For the record, 'Laserbeak' is my laptop.

**Thanks for the suggestions, everybody! Keep them coming! I really appreciate it!**


	18. Chapter 18

**I own only Riella! Tai belongs to Tatyana Witwicky! **

282. NEVER give Wheeljack anything.

-Especially something that might explode.

-It was not a good week for his lab.

-Prowl is very annoyed.

-Not because of Wheeljack.

-Because Galloway is bugging him about making 'Jack stop.

283. Banned list update:

-Accordions. (Surprise, surprise.)

-Red contacts. (Bad, bad, bad idea.)

-Fake hobbit feet. (...Yeah...)

-Any form of fake injury. (Need I say more?)

284. No quoting Tim Hawkins. Even though he is epic!

-"Well, you know what I say. If you can't laugh at yourself...laugh at other people!" (Me trying to improve Perceptor's sense of humor. It failed.)

-"Comedians are the only one that have to demonstrate their job. You don't say, "Oh, you're a plumber, fix my sink!", "You're a doctor, take out my appendix!" or, "Oh, you're a lawyer?" *punch*" (Sides, I'm sorry, but you are not cut out to be a comedian. Even though that's funny.)

-"I'M GONNA FEED YOU TO THE FIRE ANTS!" (Tai is ready to kill Skids for saying that to the little ones.)

-"You know what the most dangerous toy is? It's the glow in the dark Frisbee. By Whammo. *pause* Didn't think that one through, did you, Whammo? That's the sound of my kid hitting a tree. WHAMMO!" (Prowl shocked everybody...remind me to make sure no one has been messing with his database again.)

-"Behold, I have a painful disease IN MY LOINS!" (Everyone slowly moved away from Epps.)

-"It's a painful irony that you can't take books into the Barnes and Noble bathroom." (Just...use your imagination.)

-"If you think Facebook is social studies...you're probably a homeschooler. If the directions to your prom were 'through the kitchen and down the hall', you're a homeschooler. If you can read...you're a homeschooler." (Me making fun of Sam's grades.)

-"I've never seen a happy camper. They're usually all wet and cranky." (Tracks hates camping.)

-"My wife and I spent yesterday in bed, laughing, talking, and playing games. Then the mattress store manager told us to leave." (Lennox.)

-"I have empirical evidence that I don't know what the word empirical means. (Sunny...)

-"If I was a bear, I would only eat people wearing sweatpants. So I could use the drawstring as floss." (Tai makes me nervous sometimes!)

-"Working out to impress your wife is a waste of time. More muscles to her just means you can carry more stuff." (Optimus giving Jazz advice.)

-"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, eventually his wife will leave him." (Soooo true!)

285. The song "Albuquerque" by Weird Al makes Prowl glitch.

-It also made Red Alert glitch.

-And Perceptor.

-And Jolt.

-Optimus, Ratchet, Ultra Magnus, Barricade, and First Aid got optic twitches.

-Wheeljack got waaay too many ideas. (Seriously, 'Jack! A glow in the dark snorkel?)

-Chromia told me that if she heard it one more time, no one would ever find my body.

-But both sets of Twins liked it.

-I'm saving the CD for next time Secretary Keller visits.

286. No putting up signs that say "Autobot of the Moment".

-You would've thought 'Hide would be flattered!

-How was I supposed to know he didn't mean to blow up Simmons' car?

287. Don't make up strange meanings for "N.E.S.T" and tell them to any humans who ask.

-"Newts, Eels, Snakes, and Tarantulas." (Sides and Sunny.)

-"Never Eat Spider Tape." (Tai.)(It's good advice!)

-"No Elk Shooting Today." (Epps.)

-"North, East, Squirrel Time!" (I think Skids and 'Flap just picked words at random...)

-"No Establishing Silly Time." (Prowl would love to change it to this.)

288. Never decide to announce that you have multiple voices in your head, and then start talking to them.

-Poor Red Alert.

289. On that subject, never purposely fail the mentality tests Ratchet makes everybody take periodically.

-Some 'bots just can't take a joke.

290. Sledding down the stairs is now strictly forbidden.

-Even with a mattress at the end.

-And don't even think about trying to stand up on the sled.

-It was incredibly fun.

-But Prowl freaked when he saw the giant bruise on my arm and rushed me to the medbay.

**The last three are based on things done by my brother and I...fun times! **

**The quotes belong to Tim Hawkins! Look him up, he is epic!**

**Review please! :)**


	19. Chapter 19

**300 already! Thanks for the reviews and ideas, everybody! I appreciate the help! **

**Usual disclaimers! Riella's mine, Tai is Tatyana Witwicky's! **

291. Never play the song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" around Sunny.

-And never, never let him watch any videos of it.

-My processor…it burns…

292. Don't let Prowl read any of Murphy's Laws.

-He likes them a bit too much.

-And they really aren't that good of a solution to Wheeljack's lab.

293. Chipmunk versions of ANY songs are banned from base.

-No exceptions.

-Ever.

-Especially if the Twins asked for them.

294. When in a meeting with Prowl, it's generally a bad idea to interrupt with who, what, when, where, and especially why questions.

-Epps.

-Twins.

-Sam.

-Tai.

-His optic is still twitching.

295. NEVER look at online pictures or stories of strange pairings.

-One of them actually made _me_ glitch!

-It involved Prowl and Jazz…

-That's actually all I remember before waking up in the medbay.

-Apparently Prowl was in there even longer.

-Ratchet was mad.

296. Tai, I know you like the song "Bad Romance", but playing it around any sparkmated couple is a very bad idea.

-Especially Ironhide and Chromia.

-And don't even think about showing them the music video.

297. Do NOT call Ironhide or Ratchet a jerk.

-EVER.

-Unless of course you like pain.

298. Never let Red Alert watch Mystery Science Theater 3000.

-We're so mean to him sometimes.

-He didn't get any of the jokes.

-And 'Jet Jaguar' from _Godzilla vs. Megalon_ almost gave him a spark attack.

300. When Ratchet is lecturing you about safety, never ask over and over again "Why?"

-His left optic started twitching.

-Then the right one.

-Then I learned I can run faster than I thought.

-A LOT faster.

301. Selling annoying Autobots on eBay or Craigslist is strictly forbidden.

-If you don't want the Twins, what makes you think anyone else does?

-Besides, it kind of defeats the point of secrecy.

-Not that either set of Twins worries much about staying undercover.

302. Stay OUT of my closet, Mudflap!

-And don't even _think_ about my underwear drawer!

303. Pulling the fire alarm when there isn't a fire is NOT amusing to anyone except Leo.

-Inferno doused him in fire extinguisher foam when he found out it was a false alarm.

-Now _that_ was funny.

-But it could have happened without the panic.

**Read and review! Suggestions are welcome! **

**A one-shot next, if I can get it written! :D**


	20. Prowl's Laws

**It's snowing, so today is massive update day! **

**First one-shot for this story! Rule #292!**

"Un. Believable."

Prowl stared at the wreckage of what had been Wheeljack's lab, trying to keep his CPU from shutting down. _How_ did the inventor manage this so continually?

"What happened here?"

Prowl bit his lower lip component hard and cycled his vents before turning to face the last human he wanted to talk to. He couldn't keep the sarcastic note out of his response.

"I don't know, Director Galloway, but it _might_ have been some kind of explosion."

"Really." Galloway stared at the mess with an expression of total disdain. "What gives you that idea?"

Prowl's jaw almost dropped. "What?"

"You heard me. What makes you think it was an explosion?"

Prowl pressed one servo to his forehead. "I don't _believe_ this. Are you saying that the blast damage, the fire, and the loud noise didn't clue you in?"

"Of course not!" Galloway hmmph'ed and turned away. "How did an explosion happen _inside_ this building?"

"This is Wheeljack's lab, Director," Prowl said, as levelly as possible under the circumstances. "Explosions here, unfortunately, are more the norm than otherwise."

"That's ridiculous!" Galloway marched down the hallway, calling back over his shoulder. "You had better solve that problem."

Prowl groaned, but his CPU was already figuring out a method of 'solving' things, based on something he'd read only a few days before.

The next morning, Prowl looked up from his reports when his sparkmate entered their shared office, shaking her head and laughing softly.

"Creative. I didn't know you had it in you."

"Had what?" Prowl gave her his best innocent look.

Riella settled down in the chair across from him, leaning her elbows on the desk and giggling. "Oh, you know what."

Galloway's angry yells echoed down the hall as he stared at the new sign outside Wheeljack's door. "This is not what I meant by solving the problem!"

**Prowl's laws of inventions and Wheeljack's lab:**

If it can explode, it will.

If it might be able to explode under the right circumstances, those circumstances will happen and it will explode.

If there is no possible way for it to explode, it will implode.

The phrase "perfectly safe" means "less likely to cause fatal damage".

Never push the little red button.

If no one is in the lab but it looks safe, the self-destruct timer is counting down.

There is no such thing as "idiot-proof", "fireproof", or "fail-proof".

If at first you don't succeed, Ratchet will be very, very angry at you.

"Oops" is not something you want to hear Wheeljack say.

Bombs are equal opportunity weapons, especially if they go off in the lab.

Wheeljack is predictable. If it is a weapon that he built, the odds are very good that it will explode.

Amateur inventors are not predictable. No matter what it is or who built it, there is a fifty-fifty chance it will explode. Use caution.

Your running ability is directly proportional to the size of the explosion.

The complexity of a tool is inversely proportional to the intelligence of the user.

The danger posed by an object is inversely proportional to the sanity of the user.

If you need the fire extinguisher, it will not work.

If there is something you need to ensure your invention works, someone used the last one yesterday.

Five second fuses never last more than three seconds.

"This is NOT going to fix anything!"

"Oh?" Prowl arched an optic ridge and stared down at the human. "What did you expect me to do? Keep these in mind, and you won't be injured."

Galloway glared at the Autobot tactician for a moment, speechless, then stomped away.

**And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should never let Prowl read Murphy's Laws! **

**Read and review! Suggestions are welcome!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks for all the suggestions, reviews, and encouragement, everybody! It keeps me going!**

**Usual disclaimers apply! Riella's mine and Tai is Tatyana Witwicky's!**

304. Never decide to randomly quote Demotivational posters.

-The best leaders inspire by example; when that's not an option, brute force works pretty well too. (What I would guess is Megatron's personal motto.)

-Believe in yourself. Because the rest of us think you're an idiot. (Sideswipe's 'pep talk' to Skids.)

-Every man lives, but not every man truly lives only to die of sheer stupidity. (Oh Leo…when I said that should be your new catchphrase, I was kidding.)

-There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots. (Prowl actually got a laugh out of that one.)

-Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is to just fire all of the unhappy people. (Galloway wouldn't go for it.) (But Optimus and Lennox thought it was funny.)

-Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. (…I don't think this needs a comment…)

-It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face! (Simmons was less than impressed with my information.)

-When the going gets tough, the tough get going. *pause* The smart left a long time ago. (Tai's explanation to the Twins of their backup plan if the prank went wrong.)

-It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black. (Okay, so maybe that didn't really help solve our problem-of-the-week…)

305. And along those lines, never put those posters in random Autobot or humans' offices.

-You'd _think_ it would have gone over better with Simmons.

-At least Prowl liked his.

306. All horror movies must be approved by Optimus, Prowl, or Ratchet prior to watching them.

-And Red Alert is NEVER to see any of them for any reason at all.

307. When Wheeljack asks for volunteers to help him test his new machine, DO NOT VOLUNTEER.

-Run away. Very, very, very fast.

308. Never watch sad romance movies with your sparkmate.

-Sounds unnecessary?

-_You_ try dealing with a crying Autobot!

309. These songs are now banned from the base:

-"Oogie Boogie Man" (For good reason…my processor hurts…)

-"Evilmania" and "When You're Evil" (Poor Red Alert is still in stasis.)

-Anything from LMFAO. _Anything_.

-"Elmo's Got A Gun" (Again, poor Red…and Ratchet almost killed Skids…)

310. "Kim Possible" is not to be watched when any of the more literal-minded 'bots are in the room.

-Sunny asked why I don't dress like that to fight Decepticons.

-I didn't think it was worth a response.

-But Prowl said I didn't need to dress like that to be sexy.

-I blushed.

-Sunny made a disgusted face and left.

311. "Kiss The Girl" is not to be sung whenever Sides and Arcee are in the same room.

-Ohhh they were upset.

-Especially during the bit "My oh my, looks like the boy's too shy…"

312. Never attach any Autobot's horn to their brake pedal.

-Oh Primus!

-Tai, that was BRILLIANT!

-I don't care if the Twins didn't think so!

313. When getting a ride from one of the Aerialbots, never say the following.

-"Look out! Vulture!"

-"Are we there yet?" (This actually applies to _any_ Autobot.)

-"So, do you serve peanuts on this flight?"

-"WHAT? WHY NOT?" (If the answer to the previous question is no.)

**Read and review! Suggestions make me happy! **


	22. Chapter 22

**As usual, the suggestions and reviews are appreciated! :) **

**Usual disclaimers…Tai and Psyche belong to Tatyana Witwicky! **

314. No more playing "Dude Looks Like A Lady".

-Especially around Bluestreak and Smokescreen.

-Jazz thinks it's funny.

315. Never hang the guys' underwear from the power lines.

-Sam was NOT HAPPY.

-Neither was Leo.

-Or Miles.

-Or Simmons.

-Prowl thought it was funny.

- As humans say, WIN!

316. The following are banned as responses to the question "What are you doing?"

-"NOTHING! I DIDN'T DO IT! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING! NO ONE SAW ME!" (Leo and Miles.)

-"Attempting highly illegal and dangerous genetic experiments. Why do you ask?" (Me to Galloway.)(For the record, I was recalibrating a laser cannon.)

-"None of your darn business." (Sunstreaker.)

-An excessively detailed explanation of quantum physics. (Perceptor and Wheeljack.)

-"Making things go boom!" (Annabelle and the sparklings…that made me VERY nervous.)(They spend too much time with Wheeljack.)

-"Planning to take over your planet and turn it into my own personal evil empire. Oops, did I say that out loud?" (Sideswipe.)

-"SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!" (Tai.)(I fell on the floor laughing.)

317. The song "E.T." is banned from base.

-Prowl walked in on the bit about "wanna be a victim, ready for abduction".

-I felt bad when he ended up in the medbay.

-Ratchet was mad.

-Very mad.

318. NEVER let the Twins go shopping together.

-Especially not at the hardware store.

-Or the grocery store.

-We ended up with 19 bags full of marshmallows and various gears.

-And that was just from Mudflap's trunk.

-You do NOT want to know how much they spent.

319. Recording stupid messages on the base answering machine is a bad idea.

-But it's funny.

-Especially the ones that involve "Kalindy".

-I honestly don't know where Tai comes up with this stuff.

320. Never tell the new 'bots on base that any machine on Earth can come to life under the right circumstances.

-Or if you must, at least explain what those circumstances are (an AllSpark reaction).

-We're still waiting for the new vending machine.

321. No Elmo puppets.

-You do NOT want to know.

322. If Glen ever asks an Autobot to play video games with him, smack him upside the head.

-Glen or the Autobot. It doesn't really matter.

-That is a VERY bad idea, trust me.

-Glen is competitive.

323. No playing the song "Sun King" around Sunstreaker.

-For everyone's sanity.

-PLEASE.

324. If you value your interface equipment, do NOT try to get Psyche to chase cars.

-Even if the car is you.

-Especially if the car is Ironhide.

-Of course, if you don't care about what Tai will do to you…

325. "Who puts the glad in gladiator? Ironhide!"

-"Riella, you have three seconds to run…"

**Thanks for reading! Please review! **


	23. Chapter 23: New Format!

**Usual disclaimers apply! Thanks for the reviews, people! The usual ones were appreciated, and the flames made _delicious_ s'mores. I'll share, if anyone wants some!**

**The new format was my brother's idea; he wanted to know when, exactly, Riella finds time to do all this writing. ;) Let me know what you think! If it's liked, I might edit the other chapters like this too. When I find time. **

Riella sighed and yawned unobtrusively, looking at the clock. Government budget agents just couldn't seem to shorten their speeches to less than an hour.

Optimus, from further down the huge table, gave her an irritated look, and her comm system beeped.

::Please. I know this is not your particular favorite, but try to show some interest.::

::Yes, sir.:: Riella unsubspaced a datapad. Sliding it under the table as though she were taking notes, the femme thought about what else she could be doing.

_Oh yes. New guidelines that Prowl wanted me to put up. He didn't say anything about commentary. Or timing._

326. Twins, do not irritate Charlotte Mearing!

-That's MY job!

-At least ask first.

-If anyone else needs hints, she HATES being put on hold.

-Especially after that time I made her wait three hours to ask me if we were involved in something-or-other.

-Then the answer was no.

-I learned a few new words.

Riella stifled a giggle at the memory of that episode. Even Simmons had raised an eyebrow when she asked for a definition of one of those words.

327. When Optimus, Ratchet, or Ironhide calls your name, do not answer with any of the following.

-I didn't know we had roll call! (Sam.)

-Busy. Talk to you later. (Sunny.)(Ratchet is the only one who can get away with that.)

-WHAAAAT?(at full volume) (Sideswipe, Skids, Dino, Wheeljack)

-NO! (Mudflap has a death wish.)

-Hiding until they give up looking for you. (Me, Tai, Mirage)

_Some of us are too creative for our own good._ Riella looked at it again, then added one more example as she remembered yesterday's events.

-Polo! (Leo and Miles.)

328. No singing Linkin Park songs at full volume.

-Especially not outside the meeting-room door.

-Optimus really hates that.

-I can't help that they're catchy!

Riella double-checked it, but yes, Prowl had requested it. She extended a quick thought to her sparkmate. _What's with 328?_

_You did it, now everyone's doing it._

_Not my fault._

_I know. Just put a disclaimer or something._

329. Never play indoor soccer with giant exercise balls.

-Who knew there were so many breakable things on base?

Riella winced a bit at the memory of the clean-up that had followed that incident.

330. Do not greet new human arrivals by pretending to be a zombie.

-Some people just can't take a joke.

-Galloway was mad.

-Everybody else thought it was funny.

_Ohh that was fun._ Riella barely stopped herself from laughing out loud. She still had the pictures, stored for the day when those unlucky humans would try to prank her.

331. On that note, do not repaint your alt-mode black with glow-in-the-dark red markings, talk some human into wearing all black with a scary mask, and then drive through town at midnight.

-Tai and I thought it was a good idea.

-Barricade pulled us over.

Riella smiled slightly at the thought of her young friend, Tatyana Prime. Always up for some kind of joke. Not to mention funny and random. Surprisingly, though, that prank had been Riella's idea. _She's rubbing off on me, apparently._ Not that Tai hadn't jumped at the idea.

332. Never let Tai experiment on your hair.

-That dye doesn't wash out.

-I still have a streak of dark blue over my right ear.

_Self explanatory._ She moved on, not really wanting to admit that she thought the color looked good on her.

333. Do not pretend that you have Tourette's.

-I didn't know I knew that many human swear words.

-Galloway almost fainted.

-Prowl apparently found it difficult to tell me to stop when he was laughing so hard he almost fell down.

Optimus gave the femme another funny look as she coughed unconvincingly. It wasn't often the entire base laughed that hard. Tai and Sam's idea, of course.

_Why me, I don't know._

334. No garden gnomes.

-Trust me on this one.

335. Cleaning wars are banned.

-That wet rag fight was slagging funny.

-Especially the bit where Sam missed.

-And Simmons was walking through the door….

Riella actually did let out a giggle at the mental image. Everyone in the room turned to look at her, as she tried clearing her oral intake to stifle it.

"Is something…wrong?" The budget agent looked very upset. However, when Riella looked at him, her giggles redoubled. The pranksters were at it again; the screen behind him that had once said "NEST Budget Concerns and Regulations" now read "Government agents should mind their own business. Sincerely, the Sane Ones."

The moment the other humans spotted it, the meeting was over.

As the government agent stormed out of the room in a huff, Riella added one more rule to the datapad.

336. When changing government agents' presentations, do not refer to yourselves as The Sane Ones.

-We all know you're not sane.

**Review please! It's always appreciated! **


	24. Chapter 24

**Usual disclaimers! Riella is STILL the only thing I own! And probably always will be! **

**Thanks for the reviews, I'm glad people like the new format! I'm certainly having fun with it! Let me know if you like seeing it from different points of view; I'll probably go back to Riella most of the time, but glitching-Prowl is hilarious to write. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

Prowl studied the list his sparkmate had left on his desk, groaning internally. He loved her, and her occasional randomness, but sometimes it just wasn't clear _what_ she was thinking.

Today was one of those times.

"All I asked was for her to type these out so our other resident technorganics would know what not to do…" he muttered quietly, looking at the datapad. "I didn't need the reminders of _why_ I suggested the rules."

337. Never let a drunken Leo sing.

-Should be obvious.

-I can't even sing that loud!

-Or that off-key!

-I'll tell you, "Circle of Life" takes on a whole new meaning.

"My audios are still ringing," the tactician grumbled. "Of course, that's par for the course with Leo…"

338. After a check-up, do not follow First Aid around singing "Paparazzi".

-For everyone's sanity, and your own.

-Ratchet will give you another check-up.

-Or quarantine you, depending on whether you got to the part about "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me…"

_Why, exactly, would they…_A familiar warning popped up in Prowl's HUD. **Does not compute…does not compute…** He winced and ran a quick reset before it could trigger a logic glitch. _Never mind._

339. Do NOT make fake body parts out of rubber.

-"Nobody move, I dropped my brain!"

Prowl shuttered his optics and rubbed his forehead, wincing at the lingering processor ache. "At least she acknowledged the problem," he commented, reading the next caption.

-Prowl's spark almost stopped.

-As did Ratchet's.

340. Please, for the love of Primus, don't repeatedly play "Poker Face".

-Even on prisoners in the brig.

-No one on base really understands that song.

-Also, don't try to explain it to Perceptor.

"What?" Prowl stared in disbelief. "Who tried to explain it to Perceptor, and why did he want to know anyway?"

**Does not compute. Does not compute…**

_Ugh. I need to stop thinking while I'm ahead._

341. Do not poke Ratchet.

Prowl blinked. "That's odd. No caption? Of course, Riella isn't known for doing things like that…maybe I should clarify who I meant."

-Leo.

-Miles.

-Twins.

-Anyone else suicidal enough to think of it.

He glanced at the next one. "Oh yes…these two. Suggested by Optimus, Bumblebee, myself, Ratchet, Red Alert, First Aid, and who knows how many others."

342. Do not dare anyone to put a quarter in their nose.

-Yes, Miles, that includes you.

343. On that subject, do not bet anyone that you can fit a quarter in your nose.

-Anyone.

Prowl winced. Riella must not have heard about the day's earlier incident. She probably knew about it now, of course. News traveled through 'the grapevine', as humans called it, very quickly. "Oh well. I won't make her edit."

-Especially Sam.

The tactician had to make a visible effort not to burst out laughing at the next one. One of the few incidents that didn't threaten to make him glitch…

344. Never try to explain human clothing customs.

-The Chevy Twins don't quite get the purpose of underwear…

-I'm not even going to ask why they wanted some in their size.

-Everyone else said "No way in the Pit!"

A quiet chuckle escaped before Prowl could stop it. _I wish she'd gotten it for them. The blackmail opportunities would have been priceless._ "Well, I think that was all I had for today…wait, what are these? Did she add more?"

345. Do not release live rodents on the base.

-Hound.

-Bluestreak.

-Miles.

"Who released –" **Does Not Compute.**

346. Don't tell the new recruits that Wheelie is the voice of God and disobeying him will have eternal consequences.

_Crash._

Riella knocked on the door repeatedly. "Prowl? Are you in there?" She finally opened the door, only to see her sparkmate lying on the floor.

"Oh Prowl. What happened this time?" The femme knelt down and fiddled with a few wires in Prowl's helmet, resetting his CPU. "There. What were you up to?" Riella picked up the datapad on the desk and saw the last two rules – the ones she most certainly had not written.

"SIDESWIPE! TATYANA!"

**Review please! I love hearing what people think! Suggestions by PM or review are very welcome! :D **


	25. Chapter 25

**Slightly edited for one pairing change. Same deal otherwise.**

Arcee pushed open the slightly-ajar door to the meeting room, and jumped. "Riella? Why are you sitting in here all by yourself?"

"Shh!" Riella quickly put a finger to her lips. "I'm hiding from Tai and Sides."

Arcee shut the door and helped herself to the seat next to the technorganic. "Oh yeah, I heard they made Prowl glitch again. How'd they even get into your 'pad?"

"I don't know, but it's not happening again." Riella showed Arcee the screen. "Every time I add to this now, I'm hiding from them so they don't know I'm doing it."

"Just one today?" Arcee studied it. "Huh, useful though."

_347. Do NOT quote The Simpsons._

"Don't you usually work on putting the quotes that caused the rule?"

"I'm doing that right now." Riella kept typing.

_-'What's your first name?" *pause* "I don't know!" (Oh Tai…messing with the government agents as usual…)_

_-"Mom, Dad's in a mental hospital!" (Thank you so much for telling me, Sideswipe.) (Were you and your brother the reason, by any chance?)_

_-"Thanks for making my last moments on Earth socially awkward." (Mirage to Hound, in the middle of a battle.) (Previous comment: "If we die, I want you to know how much I love you." In front of multiple humans.)_

"Oh, Primus." Arcee shook her head. "Let me guess, _that_ was how they decided to clarify things to the humans?"

Riella rolled her optics. "The ones in charge. They've barely gotten past the fact that we can think, let alone the emotion part. 'Raj is slightly more conscious of that than most, Hound slightly less_._ They're quite the couple."

_-"If the pets die, don't replace them, I'll know!" (We all will.) (Don't do it.)_

_-"Oh no, blood!" (Tai was very gleeful when she said that.) (I just called Ratchet and walked away.)_

"How come you're one of the offenders?"

"Mute it, Arcee."

_-"A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on." "Anyone want to switch seats?" (No one ever wants to sit next to Perceptor after he's had high-grade.)_

_-"If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me!" (Then, Miles, why do you want one?) (Never mind, I will never fathom your thought processes.)_

_-"If you're the police, who's going to police the police?" (Note to self: Do not ask Barricade this repeatedly.) (He gets violent.) (Things were flying.) (Specifically, Chevy Twins.)_

_-"That's not God. That's just a waffle that Miles tossed up there." (Prowl's optic started twitching.)_

_-"That's your solution to everything? Move under the sea? *Beat* It's not gonna happen." (Thank you, Prowl.) (I hate swimming.)_

Arcee giggled. "Whose solution was that?"

Riella rolled her blue optics. "Tai."

"Oh, I should've guessed."

-"Licking an electrical outlet will not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger." (Skids and Mudflap, take note.)

-"That's just the engine powering up…that's just the engine struggling…that's just a carp swimming around your ankles." (Poor Sam.) (That was a bad day for everyone involved).

"Bwahahahahahaha!"

"Arcee, if you can't be quiet, I'm going to kick you out…"

"Sorry, Riella, but that day was hilarious!"

_-"Hang on, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening." (Tai: "CADE!")_

"Hahahahaha!" Arcee tried to stifle her laughter at Riella's stern glare. "Oh, c'mon, Riella, I saw you laughing at that one."

_-"IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!" _

_-"Listen, I'll die when I want to!" (Your dedication is…um…commendable, I guess, Leo.)_

_-"Hey! They're throwing robots!" (I couldn't resist.) (Wheelie and Brains actually make very good ammunition.)_

"You threw Wheelie and Brains?" Arcee doubled over with the effort of laughing silently.

"They had it coming."

_-"Why, I am so angry I could just…fall asleep!" (Tai gets very bored in government meetings.) (And Sam snores.)_

_-"You call this a bicameral legislature?" (No more high-grade for you, Prowl.)_

_-"Dear Mr President. There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot." (Thank Primus Simmons' mail has to go through a check before it leaves the base.)_

"Mwahahahaha – uh, was that out loud?"

"You are testing my patience, Arcee…"

_-"When he grows up, I want to be just like me!" (Wheelie: "Uh, Brains, are you…okay?") (The answer is no.)_

_-"Facts are useless. You can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true." (Galloway backed away from Tai.)_

Arcee's laughter echoed down the hallway, along with Riella's yell. "OUT!"


	26. Chapter 26

**Here I go again! Sorry it's kind of short, I think I'm running out of rule ideas! Suggestions would be really welcome!**

**Disclaimer: Is somewhere around here…okay, who hid my disclaimer?**

"Hey, Tai, check this out!" Sam waved a rather large piece of metal in the air. "Guess what I found…"

"Riella's datapad? Gimme that!" The technorganic girl snatched the datapad with a huge grin. "YES! She left it on! And her rules are on here!"

"Ya know, ya'd think a femme who works special ops would know better," Jazz commented. "What's th' latest thing banned?"

"Dunno." Tai scanned the screen. "No way! How could they?"

"What? What?"

348. The Sandy Frank Song from Mystery Science Theater 3000 is banned from base.

-Permanently.

-Apparently it annoys Red Alert and Wheeljack.

-That isn't a good thing…

"Sandy Frank, Sandy Fraaaank…" Tai hummed. "Damn you, Riella! Now I have that stuck in my processor!"

"What else?" Sam tried to take the datapad back, but Tai held it out of his reach.

"Hang on! I'll read it!"

349. Never start singing "Devil In Disguise" when Red Alert is in the room.

-And _especially_ not if Cliffjumper is also in the room.

-I think they hate me.

"Ohh I'll bet they do!" Tai snickered. "I think I got security vid footage of that!"

"Really?" Jazz looked skeptical. "How'd'ya get all this stuff?"

Tai shook a finger playfully at her sparkmate. "Now, now…I have my ways!"

350. Stop teaching the little ones (Annabelle, Sparrow, Techno, and Skystorm) to sing songs from any musical.

-"It's da ciiiiiircle of liiiiife…."

-Ratchet bashed his head into the wall.

-Very, very hard.

-He laughed hysterically for the next hour.

-That's scary.

Sideswipe skidded to a halt in the middle of the room and transformed. "Hey, what's so funny?"

"Guess what Riella did!"

"Left her 'pad out? YES!" Sideswipe grabbed it before Tai could stop him.

"HEY! Give that back!"

Sideswipe easily kept it out of her reach. "Come and get it…hey, check it out! We got a mention!"

351. Do NOT help Tai and Sides 'borrow' and 'edit' my datapad.

-If you do, and I find out, violence will ensue.

"Heeheehee…but she left it in the briefing room! That's like asking us to edit it!" Tai giggled. "Come on, Riella, really?"

352. Don't yell out words randomly. Especially when Defense Secretary Keller is on base.

-"FINGERNAILS!" (That got me some really strange looks.)

-"EDUCATION!" (Tai, of course. Who else?)

-"YO FACE!" (Alright, who gave Prowl high-grade?) (I will find you!)

-"ROOSTER!" (I will leave this one to your imagination.)

"Didn't Sam yell that in front of Judy?"

"Shut up, Sideswipe…"

353. No pie fights!

-Do you really need an explanation for this one?

-Don't do it.

Sideswipe grinned evilly. "Mwahahaha…as fun as reading these is, I think it's time to make Prowler glitch out again."

"Heehee…let me see that!" Tai took the 'pad, chewing her silver lip ring in thought. "Hmm…what haven't we done yet?"

"How 'bout somethin' ta do with headbanging?" Jazz snickered. "Ya never see Riella do that."

"Well, actually she does," Sam pointed out. "Only if she likes the song though. Anything by Skillet will get her to do it."

"Bummer," Jazz sighed.

"Ooh, I got it!" Tai grinned. "Never sing 'Living with a Hernia!' Now to type it in…wait, what the frag just happened?"

The instant the technorganic had touched the 'pad keys, the screen went black, the room doors slammed shut, and the lights went out. Sideswipe yanked at one of the door handles. "It's locked! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Nothing! I just touched the 'pad!" Using the light from Jazz's headlights, Tai picked it up from where she'd dropped it on the table. "What the – RIELLA! YOU ARE SO FLIPPING DEAD WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE!"

"What is it?" Sam scrambled over to look. The message scrolled across the screen.

_**Nice try, mechs and femmes. Unfortunately for you, I was here, and you were not.**_

"FRAG YOU, RIELLA!"

_**Don't worry, someone will let you out sooner or later. It will not be me, though.**_

"This was a trap?" Sideswipe groaned. "How did she even pull this off?"

"Uh, guys?" Jazz held up the 'pad. "She didn't."

_**I believe the human term is 'gotcha'. This is rather enjoyable; I may have to take part in a few more prank wars.**_

_**Sincerely, Prowl.**_

**The "Sandy Frank Song" is from the MST3K episode "Time of the Apes" and last time I checked it was on YouTube, if you want to listen to it!**

**Review please, people! **


	27. Stair Sledding

**I just had to write this one! It's based off of something my brother and I used to do a few years ago! We had an old mattress in the basement, and when Mom wasn't paying much attention, we'd put it up against the wall at the bottom of the basement stairs and play with the sled. Incredibly stupid and fun! **

**290. Sledding down the stairs is now strictly forbidden.**

Riella knew from the minute she woke up that it was going to be one of those days. Maybe she was being pessimistic, but there was something about being woken up at five a.m. by an explosion, sirens, and Red Alert screaming over the comm lines that gave her a bad feeling.

Rolling over, she looked up at her yawning sparkmate with a resigned sigh. "It's going to be a long day, isn't it?"

"I'm afraid so." Prowl slid off the berth, rubbing at one audio. "I'll deal with the explosions if you'll shut Red up."

"How come you always get the easy jobs?" Riella joked, shaking her long hair out of her face and slipping into her bodysuit. "Right, give me fifteen minutes and comm if it wasn't Wheeljack, Tai, or the Twins."

"Now what are the odds of that?" Prowl commented wryly, opening the door. "Fifteen minutes, you think? Take your time."

As it turned out, it was more than an hour before Riella was able to calm down the panicked Security Director, although she had to spend about ten of those minutes calling off the many battle-station orders he'd started throwing out. Rubbing at her forehead – she'd only been awake for 65 minutes and she already had a processor ache – the technorganic sank down on the nearest chair with a groan, watching Red Alert leave with First Aid. "One problem solved…"

"Five to go." Prowl, covered in dust and soot, held out a hand to help her up. "It was Wheeljack's lab, of course. Even he's not sure what he had in there anymore, and you know what that means…"

Riella accepted the offered hand. "A hazmat team to make sure it's no longer deadly, a trip to Ratchet for 'Jack, a team to work on fixing that part of the base, a report for the government…that's four. What else?"

"A trip to Ratchet for Jolt too, he was in there." Prowl led the way down the hall toward their office. Riella winced. "Poor kid."

"I know." Prowl opened the door for her. "No serious injuries, though. I put the Wreckers on clean-up duty, and I think they'll do a decent job. Ratchet's got Wheeljack, Jolt, and Red Alert, and he'll call in with their condition report once he has one."

"Good." Riella grabbed a handful of papers, looking for the correct form. "I know Red's fine, he just needs a reboot. Do you think the other two will be alright?"

"Probably. It wasn't really as bad as it sounded."

"Okay." The femme finally found the papers she'd been looking for. "Should I set up the hazmat team or fill out the forms?"

Prowl stifled a yawn. "The forms. Just…tell them it was an accident and don't mention 'explosion', alright?"

Just then a wail echoed through the monitor, and Riella sighed. "Skystorm. I was hoping she'd sleep through this. Okay, I'll take care of the forms after I get her calmed down."

Again, it wasn't that easy. Quieting the now-screaming sparkling proved to be particularly difficult, since her favorite teething ring had been misplaced and nothing else was accepted for comfort. Once Riella managed to find it – in the bottom drawer of her desk? What the slag? – Skystorm decided she was hungry and wasn't interested in waiting. Nursing and filling out forms at the same time was pretty much impossible, and after that Skystorm was still cranky and refused to be put down. It was past 10:30 when Moonracer finally showed up to check on Riella's progress, and sympathetically offered to take the sparkling somewhere else.

"Thanks," Riella groaned. "I have a ton of paperwork to do…how long can you watch her?"

"As long as it takes," Moonracer smiled, cuddling the sparkling. "I'll take her to play with Tai's kids, that ought to settle her down somewhat. Good luck."

"I'll need it," Riella muttered as the purple femme left. "Pit-slagged human rules."

She lost track of time, busy filling out damage reports and calling the Wreckers occasionally for specifics. At some point during the morning, Ratchet called with a status update; Red Alert was annoyed but back on duty, and Wheeljack and Jolt would be in the medbay overnight for observation. Honestly, at that point Riella didn't even want to know, but politeness dictated that she tell the medic that she hoped they would be better soon.

Shutting off the comlink, the technorganic leaned back in her chair and stretched. "Bored, bored, bored…"

"Yo, whassup Riella?" Tatyana Prime flung open the door without knocking. "What'cha doing in here on a nice day like this? You shouldn't be stuck in an office, lady!"

"Tell that to the government agents." Riella gestured to the papers in front of her. "They want reports on explosions. All of them."

Tai shoved the forms out of the way. "Come on, you can do that later! Sam had a great idea, but we have to have an Autobot around to do it!"

Riella's mental alarms went off. If they couldn't ask their guardians to watch, it was probably something that was going to risk injury or a very angry Autobot – or worse yet, a Decepticon. "What did you have in mind?"

Tai leaned over and stage-whispered. "Sledding."

Sledding? How could they – "Tai, it's sixty-eight degrees outside," the femme pointed out. "How are you going to do that?"

"Oh, we're not going outside," the girl said quickly. "That's what stairs are for!"

Stairs? That didn't seem to fit into sledding…but how dangerous could this be? After all, sledding wasn't that bad. On the stairs, maybe, but still, in comparison to that report… "Okay, I guess I can take a short break…Wait!"

Tai grabbed Riella's hand and practically dragged her out of the room. "YES! We've already got everything we need, so let's move it!"

Riella noticed, with some alarm, that they were heading for the largest, steepest set of stairs in the base, and that Sam Witwicky was standing at the top with a huge grin and a toboggan. "Um, are you sure – "

"'Course I'm sure!" Tai let go of Riella and sprinted up the stairs. "I call the front!"

"Hey, hey, no pushing!" Sam scrambled into position. "You do realize, you're practically sitting in my lap?"

"Who cares? !"

Riella jumped out of the way as the toboggan skidded down the stairs, coming to an abrupt stop against a conveniently placed mattress and throwing both passengers off. Tai squealed with excitement as she jumped up, apparently unhurt. "That was awesome! I'm going to try it standing up!"

"Oh no you're not," Riella warned. "You want to break your neck?"

"Aww, come on, Riella," Sam groaned, picking himself up. "I really want to see her crash at this point."

Tai flipped him off and grabbed the toboggan. "Just once?"

"From five steps up," the technorganic femme relented. "Just once."

"OHHHHHH YEAH – oof!" Tai's yells of delight were abruptly cut off as the toboggan hit the mattress and flipped, sending her flying. Giggling uncontrollably, she jumped back upright. "Whee! Riella, your turn!"

"I don't think this is a good idea…" Riella's admittedly somewhat weak protest was completely ignored as the girl pulled her up the steep staircase. Sam followed, limping slightly. "Just don't land under her, Riella…"

"Come ON!" Tai settled herself on the front of the sled. "Hurry it up, will you, woman?"

Reluctantly, Riella sat behind Tai, resting her hands on the other girl's shoulders for balance. Tai turned to look at her and grinned. "Ready?"

"No. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Riella cried out in shock as the sled lurched forward and hurtled down the stairs. She just managed to duck before hitting her head on the handrail, and didn't see the robot at the bottom of the stairs. Next thing she knew she was lying flat on her back, trying to get her processor to stop spinning.

"Ow…"

"Riella?" Prowl's shocked voice reached her audios, and she blinked, seeing his upside-down face above her.

"Hi."

"You're hurt! I'm taking you to the medbay!" Prowl scooped her up and rushed out of the room, as she protested. "No, wait…hang on, that was just a rough landing! I'm okay, Prowl, I was having fun!"

**Okay, this wasn't much about the sledding. It was fun to write anyway. And that's usually how things ended for my brother and I, except it was our mom catching us and making us put the sled away.**

**Review! If there's another one you'd like me to do a one-shot for, let me know!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Whee! The plot bunnies are back! **

**Usual disclaimers regarding the characters…Riella, The Claw, and Saavik are mine, Tai and Psyche belong to Tatyana Witwicky, and the rest belong to Hasbro! Oh yeah, and the song lyrics referenced are from Tangled or by Skillet! **

"Prowl! Where's my datapad?" Riella yanked out another drawer from her desk. "I know I left it right here!"

"Oh, sorry." The tactician unsubspaced the requested item, holding it out for his sparkmate. "I…um…borrowed it and forgot to put it back."

Riella arched an optic ridge. "I don't even want to know, okay? Just tell me it's safe to use."

"Of course it is. I put a fail-proof on it so that even if I missed something, you could still handle it without being locked into whatever room you happen to be in."

The femme shook her head. "And I thought the Twins got their prankster skills from me." Settling into her chair, she opened the correct document and started typing at an inhuman speed.

354. When Ratchet tells you to do something for your safety, don't start singing "Mother Knows Best" from Tangled on your way out of the medbay.

-He didn't appreciate my sense of humor.

-Or my singing voice.

-"Motheeeeeerrrr knows beeeesst!"

355. When working on reports in a quiet room, singing to relieve the boredom is a good idea; however, make sure you know who else might be in the room.

-Also, watch the volume.

-"I must confess that I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER!"

-I didn't notice that Ratchet, General Morshower, and Optimus had just walked in…

356. "Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank."

-NEVER try to prove the truth of the above statement!

-Lennox has banned Tai and Sam from the tank garage.

-There's too much "Family Guy" on base.

357. Just because there are no other humans around, does not mean Ratchet will let you ignore gun safety rules. (Epps.)

-Like "Watch where you point it."

-Or "Make sure the gun isn't loaded before pretending to shoot Ironhide."

-'Hide was fine.

-Epps ran very fast.

-"I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!" Famous last words….

358. Never play "Are You Smarter than a Fifth-Grader?"

-Me (Riella): Yes

-Prowl: Very yes

-Optimus: Yes

-Jazz: Mostly

-Sides and Sunny: Kind of

-Ratchet: Wouldn't play

-Perceptor: Didn't bother asking

-Tai: Yes

-Sam: Sort of

-First Aid: Yes

-Mirage: Yes

-Red Alert: Chased me down with a gun after the question about conspiracy theories.

359. Catnip is in the mint family. A nice mint-scented pedicure may end with one or more of the cats attacking and licking your feet.

-And if you have ticklish feet, well…

-I will leave the results to your imagination.

-No, I won't.

-Chaos in the rec room!

360. When your significant other walks into the room, do NOT play or sing "Bringing Sexy Back".

-Tai and Jazz.

-I can proudly say I have never been guilty of this one.

-I prefer the song "Kiss the Girl".

361. No matter how funny you think it is, replacing Red Alert's alarm clock with a CD alarm that plays "Awake and Alive" at full volume at 5 AM is not a good idea.

-"I'M AWAKE! I'M ALIVE!" *Boom*

362. Never play with handcuffs.

-No matter how bored you are.

-It's really amazing how fast you can lock your hands into a position it is impossible to get them out of without help.

363. Shatter resistant is a label, not a challenge.

-We lose more plates that way…

At the last one, Riella made a mental note to buy more dishes. Leo and Tai could be very destructive when 'experimenting'.

"Okay…email check time." She opened the browser with a barely-concealed yawn. "Let's see…a meeting schedule, spam mail – forward that to Simmons, he'll send them a virus – three URGENT ones from Red wanting to know where I am, reply and tell him to use the slaggin' comlink if he needs to talk to me, and what's this? Prowl, why are you mass-emailing the base?"

"Just read it," Prowl replied absently, focused on his report.

Riella scanned the message, then sighed. "You really don't like animals, do you?"

**The Rules for Pets on the NEST Base**

**Installment 1**

**Compiled by Prowl**

_Never leave The Claw alone in a room with Annabelle's pet hamster. (Riella, Prowl, Sam, Optimus)_

_When entering a dark room to go to sleep, do not rapidly grab the nearest soft object. In the dark, blankets and cats look a lot alike. The difference is that blankets do not have claws. (Everyone)_

_After cleaning up after Psyche or Mojo, make sure the bag is tied shut and has no holes in the bottom before you ask an Autobot to carry it to the trash for you. (Tai, Sam)_

_Do not release small animals (cats, Chihuahuas, rodents, etc.) inside any Autobot's alt-mode. Especially not Ironhide's, and especially not if they have just had a lot of water or eaten a moth. (Leo, Miles, Twins, Tai)_

_Never tell everyone about your phobia of spiders. You will be amazed how many of the humans on base have pet tarantulas, and that they are all willing to donate them to scare the slag out of you. (Epps.)_

_When sitting down, if you are a human it is best to check the chair for cats. They will be fine, since they know better than to sit on Autobot chairs. You will not. (All humans.)_

_Please don't refer to them as your 'minions' in front of government agents or Red Alert. (Tai, Riella, Sideswipe)_

_If you are giving your cat a bath and trimming their claws, trim the claws first. Unless of course you like bleeding. (Riella, Miles, and anyone else stupid enough to try to give Saavik a bath.)_

_Do not use them as accessories in your pranks. They are not predictable and the results are often highly dangerous. (Twins, Leo, Miles)_

_If you are human and losing your balance, do not grab the nearest soft object for support. The odds are very good it will be a cat. (Lennox, Epps, Leo, Simmons)_

_On that subject, never agree to allow anyone to adopt more pets. Especially cats. (Prowl, Optimus, and Jazz.)_

_Do NOT try to get Psyche to chase any Autobot in vehicle mode. Just don't. (Everyone.)_

**Most of these were inspired by the website "Learn from my Fail", but anything with cats I have had personal experience with! Specifically the bit about grabbing the nearest soft object and expecting it to be a blanket…my poor innocent fingers! **

**355 also happened to me…I was doing some stuff on a computer at church and the music pastor, the youth pastor, and the youth pastor's wife walked in! **

"**I FEEL LIKE A…uh…hi?"**

**Review! **


	29. Kitty, You Can't Have It

**Uh….yeah. I have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE where this came from, so, uh…if you have a problem with my and my friend's attempt at poetry, just ignore this, alright? It's based off of one of Prowl's rules for living with technorganics back in chapter 9 or so.**

**For the record, I own Riella and Saavik, Tatyana Witwicky owns Tai, and my friend and I own the song "Kitty, You Can't Have It." Yes, we do. It's a parody of "Won't Say I'm In Love" from the movie Hercules, so we don't own the tune, but the lyrics are original. Sorta.**

**And yes, this really happened to me and my friend with her cat Snow. I'm not making this up. **

* * *

><p><em><strong>Kitty, You Can't Have It <strong>_

"Get _off,_ cat!" Riella pushed Saavik away from her plate for the seventeenth time. "That is _my_ bacon, not yours. I already fed you, and you had your own piece. Hey!" She picked up the kitten by the scruff and set her on the floor. "I said quit!" She glared at the giggling technorganic across the table. "I really don't think this is funny, Tai."

Tai blew her hair out of her eyes, stifling her laughter long enough to reply. "Sorry, Riella…but you should hear yourself!"

"Hmmph." Riella took another bite of her breakfast. "Wait till she goes after _your_ food."

"Awww, she won't do that." Tai scooped up the kitten and petted her. "You're a good little kitty, aren't you, Saavik – WHAT THE FRAG?" In the split second that Tai hadn't been looking, the kitten had snatched a large chunk of bacon in her mouth and swallowed most of it before Tai could do anything. It was Riella's turn to double over laughing.

"Told you, Tai…"

Tai glared at the kitten, which was chewing the last bits of bacon contentedly. "I'm gonna get you for that, cat. HEY!" She pushed the plate out of reach as Saavik batted at it again. "No chance, no way! You can't have it, oh no."

"Tai…" Riella's bright optics blinked. "Are you singing that song from Hercules to the cat?"

Tai shook her head. "Just a line. With revisions. Hey! We should revise the whole thing! Then we could sing it!"

Riella's shoulders slumped. "Tai! We can't do that!"

"Why not? It's legal." Tai eyed the kitten suspiciously. "'Sides, it'd be fun!"

"But we both suck at poetry," Riella pointed out. "Sorry, but it's true."

But Tai, not listening, had already run to get a notebook and a pen.

_**If there's a prize for naughty kittens**_

_**I think you've already won that**_

_**This isn't worth the aggravation**_

_**You will be history**_

_**If you try that!**_

"Okay," Riella conceded, looking at the first verse they had written. "That's not bad. It doesn't rhyme, but..."

"Who cares?" Tai flung a hand in the air. "It's art, woman! It doesn't have to rhyme. Besides, it totally fits!"

The older technorganic had to admit that was true. "Alright, fine. One verse down, seven to go."

_**What'd'ya think you're doin'**_

_**We did not get this out for you**_

_**What'd'ya think you're doin'**_

_**Kitty, we can see right through you!**_

_**Kitty, you can't have it**_

_**We know what you want **_

_**And what you're beggin' for**_

"Are you sure about this?"

"YES!" Tai swatted Riella, which had no effect since it was Tai's human hand and Riella's metal one. "Ow! Come on, show a sense of humor, Ri!"

Riella rolled her optics. "I am. Must you use that nickname?"

Tai giggled. "Yep. Now we know what comes next."

_**Oh**_

_**No chance, no way**_

_**You can't have it, oh no**_

_**You plead, you beg,**_

_**Don't you bite me, oh no**_

_**This is my lunch**_

_**Keep your paws to yourself!**_

"Can we put this on a poster in the rec room?" Tai pleaded, using the puppy-dog-optics.

"NO. Prowl would glitch." Riella eyed the chorus. "And why did we say 'lunch' again?"

"'Cause 'breakfast' wouldn't fit."

_**I thought my cat had learned her lesson**_

_**She was so good when I sat down**_

_**But now I'm screamin'**_

_**Go away, cat**_

_**Unless you're dyin' to end up outside**_

_**Oh**_

"True enough…" Tai playfully poked the sleepy kitten on Riella's lap. "Hey, why _didn't_ we think of putting her outside?"

Saavik yawned, showing a mouthful of tiny, razor-sharp white teeth. Riella gestured.

"That's why."

_**You keep on concocting**_

_**Plans to get my food from me**_

_**Kitty, I'm not buyin'**_

_**Even though you're really tryin'**_

_**When ya gonna give up**_

_**When ya gonna give in**_

_**'Cause ya can't, can't, can't have it!**_

Riella shook her head. "I think we should take the repeats of 'can't' out. It's awkward."

"Yeah…" Tai shrugged. "You got a better word?"

"Um…I guess not." Riella sighed. "How many more verses?"

Tai counted. "Four."

_**Oh**_

_**No chance, no way**_

_**You can't have it, oh no**_

_**Give up, give in**_

_**Lose the grin, it won't work!**_

_**This is my food**_

_**Keep your paws to yourself!**_

"Can't we put the 'shoo-doo' sounds in?"

"Absolutely not."

_**You're doin' flips**_

_**Read my lips**_

_**It won't work!**_

"Cats can't read lips," Riella pointed out.

Tai shrugged. "It's in the original song, so it works."

Riella couldn't find an argument.

_**It's not your place**_

_**You can't have it**_

_**Get off my plate**_

_**You can't have it!**_

"Of course, along that line of thought, they also won't listen if we sing to tell them to get off our plates."

Riella glared. "Shush, Tai. This was your idea."

"Don't you shush me!"

_**Cat, don't you pout**_

_**You really don't need it**_

_**Oh**_

_**At least for now**_

_**Keep your paws to YOURSELF!**_

"Awesome!" Tai waved the completed paper triumphantly. "Now we perform it for the 'bots tonight."

Riella facepalmed at the mental image of the Autobots' reactions to their scout commander singing _that_. "Let's…save it for the next time it's needed, okay?"

"Aww, come on…"


	30. Chapter 30

**Short little chapter, but I hope it's funny! This is based off my own experience watching Repo…yeah, don't ask.**

**Riella's mine, Tai belongs to Tatyana Witwicky, the canon characters belong to Hasbro, and the song names are from the movie referenced. Enjoy. **

Riella yawned, settling into her chair behind the desk. "I'll use the computer today…and I don't need Prowl to tell me what needs to be a rule. Lesson learned, sweetspark…lesson learned." Across the bond, she could feel Prowl's amusement.

"_Well, you know how much I hate to say I told you so…"_

_Shush. I'm writing it._

364. Never, under any circumstances, watch "Repo! The Genetic Opera" while on the base.

- Reactions were…mixed.

- Bumblebee, Moonracer, Lennox, and Epps left in the middle of "Repo Man". (Will's comment: "And you like this why?)

- Sideswipe threw up halfway through "Thankless Job". Sunny did the same about five minutes later. They came back and finished it, though…with Sunny threatening another trip outside during "Chromaggia". (I can't blame him…that part was a little bloody.) _(Really bloody!) - Sides_

- Bluestreak said he was fine. I found out later he spent the night in the twins' room. _(Squeaking, twitching, and trying to cuddle.) – Sides_

Riella arched an optic ridge at the commentary, but let it go for the moment. She would deal with the hacker later. _Of course, if you're trying to keep it a secret, why sign your name? He's just trying to bug me._

- Red Alert walked in during the opening narration and promptly glitched.

- Ratchet, disturbingly, was fascinated with the concept. Until the movie actually started…then he was thoroughly disgusted. He stayed through the movie, but when it was over, he left muttering something about writing an irate letter to the moviemakers. He also informed us that if he ever heard anyone singing "Night Surgeon", he would remove their interface equipment. I think he meant it.

- Leo and Miles took a bathroom break during "Zydrate Anatomy" and never came back. _(Sissies.) – Sides _(Okay, I agree with that.)

- I thought Prowl was fine until after the movie. He got up in the middle of the night, set the motion detector, and turned on all the lights before coming back to bed.

- Jazz and Tai…well, they made it through the movie, anyway, but…I hear Jazz had nightmares. (I can hear the complaints already…)(Tai: WHO SAID THAT?) (I have my sources.)

- Chromia and Ironhide threatened Wheeljack with dismemberment if they ever hear another word about organ replacement, innocent or not.

- Meanwhile, I heard Sam singing "Things You See In A Graveyard", followed by Barricade throwing something at him. _(Actually, I think that was Sunny.) – Sides_ (No it wasn't.) _(Was.)_ _– Sides_ (Maybe it happened later.)

- Moral: Horror/goth/rock opera movies aren't a good idea.

- For the record, I liked it.

- Some of the lines are effective for reminding Galloway when we need something done.

- 'Ninety days delinquent gets you Repo treatment…'

- "Riella, shut up or so help me, YOU WILL BE THE ONE BLEEDING!"

- _Yeesh, somebody's touchy? Who was that? 'Hide?– Sides_

- No, that was First Aid.

- _O.o – Sides_

- And what are you doing on my datapad anyway? Hacking?

- _Uh…leaving? – Sides_

- Too late.

With a smirk, Riella shut down the computer file and opened another document – one that no one knew she had, not even Prowl. Sometimes Leo can be helpful, in his own strange way. Within five minutes, Sideswipe's comm system would be receiving requests to report to a different room of the base every two minutes. He'd catch on soon enough, but it wouldn't shut down until someone ran the correct antivirus program. Simple and harmless, but very irritating. She left her office with a smile, after setting the security cameras to record his reaction in strategic locations.

_Lesson number 1: Don't mess with the master, kiddo. _

**Prowl's reaction is mine. Never watch a creepy movie the night before you have to get up early. I didn't sleep, and I doubt anyone else did either. I REGRET NOTHING! :D **

**And to answer a question about chapter 28, Prowl gets along with Riella's cats – including Saavik – as long as they don't cause problems for him. Some of them do. **


	31. Chapter 31

**I'm trying to make this easier to read. Let me know if I succeeded…**

**Usual disclaimers!**

Sunstreaker opened his e-mail inbox. "Hmm. Doesn't look like much of interest today. Maybe…"

"Will you shut up?" Sideswipe rubbed his forehead with a groan. "My processor hurts."

His twin just shrugged. "Not my fault you were dumb enough to hack Riella's datapad. Ooh look, she's emailing the rules now instead of just posting them on the bulletin board."

Sideswipe yanked the nearest pillow over his head and tried to ignore his twin.

_365. Never tell Barricade that he looks sort of like a Cybertronian monkey. (Leo.)_

_- I laughed…_

_- Then ran…_

_- I didn't know Leo could keep up with me!_

Sunstreaker burst out laughing. "Good observation!"

_366. The following movies cannot be watched without permission from Optimus or Prowl:_

_1. Yet again, Indiana Jones. (This one results in far, far too many 'accidents' caused by attempted stunts.) (Also, the main theme annoys Ratchet very much.)_

_2. Tangled. ("I've got a dreeeeeam…" Ironhide: "WILL YOU LITTLE GLITCHES SHUT UP?")_

_3. Harry Potter. (Wands were flying.) (Specifically, wands made out of various medical things.) (Ratchet was ticked.) (And Red Alert glitched after watching one.) (Jazz has gotten in trouble over them before…)_

_4. Cars 1 and 2. (Wheeljack wanted to make Lightning Volkswagen Bugs.) (Everyone else said NO.) (And there were many, many damaged tires on base.) (Those cars are animated, guys.)_

_5. The Spongebob Squarepants movie. (Actually, any and all Spongebob. Movie or TV.)_

_6. Atonement. (The 'bots need to learn to check more than the title.) (Watching rather…explicit…movies with Skids and Mudflap is not fun.)_

_7. Titanic. (See the above.) (Also, the 'bots don't like watching humans die.) (And Red Alert will never go near water again.)_

_8. Monty Python. (Red Alert panicked when he saw a rabbit.) (He asked for the Holy Hand Grenade.) (Sam gave him an empty paper towel tube.) (Prowl didn't think it was funny.) ("Run away!") _

"Run away! Run away!" Sunstreaker played back the clip from the movie.

Sideswipe groaned. "Sunny, I'm warning you…"

_367. Flyswatters are not to be used for anything other than the intended purpose. _

_-Please, for the love of Primus, DON'T threaten Red Alert with them. _

"Do you think we could get the government agents to replace those?"

His twin shook a fist at him. "One more word and your paint job is screwed."

_368. Pay your OWN speeding tickets!_

_- Sideswipe!_

_- I don't care how good your excuse is!_

Sunstreaker grinned. "Uh-oh, what'd you do?"

"Mute it."

_369. When Leadfoot is on base, don't follow him playing "Fat" by Weird Al over and over again._

_- Miles!_

_- He gets violent._

_- And he doesn't particularly care if he hits the one responsible or not._

_- Ow…_

"OW!" Sunstreaker yelped as a hard object bounced off his chest. "What was that for?"

Sideswipe sat up and glared. "I said SHUT UP! If you value your ability to walk, I suggest you listen!"

**365 is based off my brother's observation about my Barricade action figure. From a certain point of view, it's true… ;)**

**Reviews are loved! Flames will be used for s'mores! **


	32. Chapter 32

**Holy slag_,_ this turned out long! Enjoy and review. Riella and Skystorm belong to me, Jaacs belongs to Jaacs McHenry, and Tai belongs to Tatyana Witwicky. Thanks so much for letting me borrow them, guys! **

Riella settled her sleeping sparkling in the bedroom crib, returned to the office, and closed the door. "You know, I'm really glad she usually sleeps after nursing."

"Same here."

The femme turned to raise an eyebrow at Sideswipe. "You aren't the one who takes care of her constantly. Why would that make you happy?"

Sideswipe shrugged. "You're not grouchy when you're getting enough sleep."

"Oh hush." Riella grabbed her datapad out of the drawer. "Why don't you find something to do somewhere else?"

"Cause I don't want to. Hey, is that your rule datapad?" Sideswipe reached for it, only to have his hand smacked lightly.

"Hands to yourself, kid. I'll read what I'm writing."

_370. Do not quote Mystery Science Theater 3000._

"WHAT?" Sideswipe pouted. "But that show is frickin' awesome!"

Riella poked him with her stylus. "And annoying."

_-"Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm going to get an anvil." (Sideswipe! Get back here!) _

"I wasn't really gonna do it…"

_-"Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Prime." (How was I supposed to know that Stratosphere didn't really want to know where human babies come from?)_

"Where _do_ human babies come from?" Sideswipe raised an optic ridge.

"Ask Ratchet." Riella knew that by the time the medic was done, Sideswipe wouldn't go near a human female for weeks.

_-"I'm gonna need a can of play-dough to replace my butt!" (I just walked away.)(I didn't want to know what Jazz was talking about.)_

Sideswipe started laughing again. "That was _such _a great day."

"I don't want to know…"

_-"It looks like a dead person won the Kentucky Derby!" (There were sooooo many flowers in the rec room!) (I don't even know where they came from.)_

_-"Hey guys, I'm gonna get a free coffin, fill it with ice and high-grade, and have an awesome theme party." (That was quite the night.) (I don't actually remember most of it.) (High-grade has that effect on me.)_

"So it does."

Riella glared at him. "If that video footage ever shows up again…"

_-"Yes, shocking horror arrives in style, in your 2010 Corvette Stingray!" (Sunny, wait! Don't kill your brother! We still need him!)_

"But he_ does _act like shocking horror!"

"Shush."

_-"Help! NBC is after us! Hide us!" (I REEEEALLY don't want to know, Skids.)_

_-"Wanna go hunt for bugs?" (Leo.) (No, Leo, I don't want to go hunt for bugs.)_

"You sure? He found some awesome bugs."

Riella sighed.

_- "Look, I made a mustache with your hair!" (Mudflap, stay away from me!) _

Sideswipe's jaw dropped. "He did what?"

_-"Welcome to our clay-based land of whimsy and wonder – where under the surface lurks a rat's nest of seething violence and hatred! Whee!" (Tai and Sam should not be allowed to make stop-motion clay movies.)_

Riella shrugged. "Gotta admit, it was a decent movie…"

_-"Well, I better go rotate the hostages." (Red Alert will not stay in the same room with Miles.)_

_-"Just beheading rats down here, honey!" (If it were anyone other than Prowl, I wouldn't have believed it…) _

"Was he _really_ beheading rats?" Sideswipe looked doubtful.

"Yes, he was."

_-"Someday she'll look back on this and worry about it." (The video tape Chromia and I made of Ironhide and Prowl sparring.) (It was for training! How was I supposed to know Sharsky and Leo would get a hold of it and change the dialogue?)_

Sideswipe busted out laughing, ignoring his mother's frustrated huff.

_-"Ahh, her favorite symbol. A pyramid balanced on oranges." (That is NOT what the Vulcan symbol looks like!) (Stop making fun of me!)_

_-"You guys should try pulling pranks that don't involve lying about the dead." (Sideswipe: "WHAT?")_

"Well, _I _don't lie about the dead," Sideswipe pointed out. "Can't speak for Skids."

_-"Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something?" (Tai has no patience with slow movies.) _

_-"You know, they weren't really expecting anybody to watch this. They were expecting everybody to be necking by this point, so…Sunny…" "Get away from me! Stop that!" (SIDESWIPE! Knock it off.) (Prowl glitched out again.)_

"So worth it."

_-"I have skull tosser's remorse." (Why does Tai have a fake human skull anyway?)_

_-"The skull has been perfectly civil through all this, I have to say." (I really hate that thing…) _

At Sideswipe's look, Riella rolled her optics. "What? It's annoying!"

_-"Well, I found a screaming hip bone, if that helps." (Jaacs, please…you're not helping here.) (Trust me, Wheeljack's losing ANYTHING is bad!)_

"I like Jaacs' style, though," the twin commented. "Are you sure Wheeljack _doesn't_ have a screaming hip bone?"

_-"Whoa! Someone's radial saw went through a nail!" (There was a lot of screaming coming from the medbay.) (Turns out Skids REALLY didn't want a shot.)_

_-"The first year of marriage is always the most psychotic." (Poor Jazz.) _

Riella laughed. "It's not that bad, but still, marriages do take work…"

_-"There's a euglena holding the skull behind his back laughing." (That's NOT what you want to hear first thing when you walk out of the bathroom.)_

_-"And I like to say celery!" (Magnus's optics got very big.) (Leo causes that to happen a lot.)_

"Celery celery celery!"

"Sideswipe, do me a favor."

"What?"

"Shut up."

_-"You know, I'd prefer Occasional Outburst Skull." (The screaming gets old.)_

_-"This is your colon on pork. Any questions?" (No…not really…I guess)_

_-"The Earth has male pattern baldness!" (I never noticed, but…)_

_-"Schedule an ermine removal with the receptionist." (Fake fur is dangerous for large robots.)_

Sideswipe rubbed the side of his neck. "It also hurts when it gets jammed."

_-"Well, the tests came back and you're old. And by the way, you give the doctor and I the creeps." (First Aid to 'Hide.) (I've never seen him run so fast.)_

_-"He's got built-in smug." (It's like they were describing Sunstreaker!) _

_-"Now get your orthopedic shoes on! We're going out for pudding!" (Don't ask why we have orthopedic shoes on base.)_

_-"Filmed entirely on location at Bachman's Floral." (They don't like us anymore.) (In fact, all of our resident technorganics have been banned from the store.)_

_-"Um…hakuna matata?" (Ratchet wasn't fooled.) (Sunny has a terrible poker face.)_

"Well, _my_ poker face is awesome." Sideswipe smirked.

_-"Wouldn't it be great if you were kidnapped by an African tribe, and they brought beer? Really good beer?" (I think I walked in at the wrong part of that conversation.) (I wonder why Epps brought that up?…)_

_-"Quick, pray for a monsoon!" (Bluestreak…)_

_-"Typical British reaction. Throw dynamite at the problem." (Carly! Stop! He didn't mean it!) _

"You sure Jaacs and Tai didn't put Mudflap up to that?"

Riella shrugged. "Maybe."

_-"Nipple…I mean, hello!" (Sam.) (I fell on the floor laughing.) (Prowl's expression was priceless.)_

_-"He's…messing…with…my…favorite…snack…crackers?" (Uh-oh…Ratchet, run!) (Tai is dangerous when you take her snacks!)_

_-"If it's not too much trouble, could someone ritually seppuku me right now?" (Don't sedate me! It was a joke! WAIT!)_

Riella blushed. "Not my fault. What else needs to go here…Oh yeah."

_-"You're in my pickled eel garden!" (Why do we have one?) (Don't ask.)_

_-"This is the Neptunian Day of Pigs." (Huh?) (How do you even…no. I don't want to know.)_

_-"Hey, this isn't Squid World!" (Uh…Major Lennox, I don't know if you saw the outfit Miles was trying on, but…)_

"Wanna see my pictures?"

"No, I don't."

_-"Brains contracted Rojy Panty Complex, so I'm administering panties…" (Wheelie! Bad robot! Give my underwear back NOW!)_

"EWW!"

_-"Surely Mozart and his holy reindeer will come down to save us." (Note to Brawn: when mocking human customs, try to get them right.)_

_-"At least panic in your predesignated sub-groups!" (Agent Galloway, there is such a thing as too much organization.)_

_-"Those are very disruptive sand crabs." (Hound needs to stop bringing 'pets' back to base.)_

Sideswipe kicked the desk. "I'm bored. Can't you put any that Prowl didn't mention?"

Riella shook her head. "You can always leave…."

_-"Actually, the countdown had more inherent drama than the rest of the film. I mean, would he stop, would he remember the next number?" (Wheeljack is horrible at selecting movies.)_

_-"PUDDING!" (I managed to sneak something thoroughly unhealthy past Ratchet.) (It was a fun day at NEST.)_

_-"I'm fine, I'm fine, Prowl, French roast, fibrin, uh, diet pills, Mountain Dew, Jolt, water, s-s-s-Surge, chocolate-covered espresso beans, M&Ms, and I'm listening to Nietzsche rap, and, and, and I'm fine, Prowl, really, I'm fine!" (Sigh.) (Lay off the caffeine, Sam!)_

"I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine!"

"Sideswipe…"

_-"The man knows his underwear." (Epps and Lennox.) (Wonder what the context was...)_

_-"Did that dance make anyone else physically ill?" (Simmons should never attempt the Macarena.)_

"Yes, it did." Sideswipe fake-gagged.

_-"Hey! The cat's in here!" (Sam is so paranoid about privacy in the bathroom.)_

Riella glared at Sideswipe, daring him to comment. He didn't.

_-"The monitor lizard looks delicious!" (Oh, stop making fun of my cooking.) (It's not that bad!)_

_-"Ooh! Right in the fuselage." (Poor Silverbolt.)_

_-"Roger that, Riella, which way's the sky?" (Not funny, Air Raid!)_

"Up."

"Which way is that?"

Riella swatted him.

_-"With my luck, I'd fall right in a stump grinder." (There's a reason Gears doesn't skydive, folks.)_

_-"Ahh, the Nebraska state forest." (They actually do have one!) (On Vulcan there's a planetary forest…)_

_-"I basically tried it to see if I could get out of it." "And? What'd you learn?" "I…can't." (Sides and Sunny.) (Le sigh.) _

Sideswipe pouted again. "I did eventually."

"With a little help from the bomb squad."

_-"We've just got Uncle Sam barking down our snorkel." (Lennox.) (Heehee.)_

_-"He's like an idiot savant, minus the savant!" (This can apply to the government agents of your choice.)_

_-"WILL THERE BE MASHED POTATOES?" (Will there?) _

"What? I like mashed potatoes."

_-"Ahh, shut up and taxi, Petey Plane." (Do not say to Breakaway!) (Unless you like being chased.)_

_-"I have to confess, I didn't wear black socks. And my underwear's not black either, is that okay?" (TMI, Epps…TMI.) _

_-"Well, I don't understand it, so let's start shooting." (Tai suggested this as Ironhide's new motto.) (It didn't go over well.)_

"But…but…" Sideswipe waved his hand. "It's already his motto!"

_-"I have some bad news and…some bad news." (That doesn't take much to accomplish around here.)_

_-"That reminds me, we're out of embalming fluid." (…Don't ask.) _

"That's right!" Sideswipe nodded enthusiastically. "Hey, can you pick up some when you go to the store?"

Riella shut off her datapad after emailing the latest rule to everyone. "No. Buy your own embalming fluid."

"Well yeah, but you owe me one use of your credit card!"

"Not anymore I don't." Riella put the datapad back in the drawer and locked it. "You used it to buy all that Jell-O, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Crestfallen, Sideswipe started toward the door. "Wait – can we do it again?"

Riella sighed. "No."


	33. Chapter 33

**Here goes. Again. Poor Galloway is in for it. Usual disclaimers; you know who's mine and who isn't. The Hank the Cowdog quotes originally belong to John Erickson; I just borrowed them. **

_371. Never try to jump a skateboard over an Autobot's vehicle mode. _

_- Tai, Sam, Leo, and Miles._

_- Ironhide did not appreciate waking up to dents on the hood._

_- You're just lucky he's a heavy recharger. _

_372. Pig Latin is not an acceptable replacement for classified communication codes._

_- Nor is it a good way to get out of trouble with Prowl._

_- However, it does confuse most government agents._

_- Especially the way Skids and Mudflap speak it._

_- "An-cay I-ay alk-tay oo-tay…wait, I forgot what's next…" _

_373. Autobots, NEVER eat bubblegum. _

_- It's very difficult to remove from metal. _

_374. You can still read or listen to Hank the Cowdog on base, but please don't quote it. _

_-"Why are you staring at me in that tone of voice?" (Ratchet.) (He realized what he'd said a moment later after everyone collapsed laughing.)_

_-"Wild horseflies couldn't drag it out of me." (Leo.) (I'm just glad we don't give him full security clearance…)_

_-"Feeling important is a very important part of being Head of Security." (Simmons really likes mocking Red Alert.) (Behind his back, of course.) _

_-"If it takes all day, I'll find you! If it takes all week…well, I'll probably give up, so hurry." (Blaster's cassettes are no longer allowed in the air vents.) (One got stuck.) (Ironically, it was Eject.) _

_-"Oh my leg!" (Not a good excuse.) (I can read you like a fraggin' book, Jazz.) _

_-"Your new codename is Jitterbug. And I'll be Laughing Gravy. How does that sound?" (Sideswipe and Mudflap are no longer paired for security duty.) _

_-"Not only did I hear that loud crash, I was that loud crash. Goodbye." (I slipped on the ice, okay?) _

_-"Have we discussed my position on tuna fish?" (No. Just…no.) (If Que ever says this to you, find somewhere else to be.) _

_-"Well, just darn the luck." (Sunny, don't make fun of the government agent whose car got stepped on.) (At least not to his face.) _

_-"Good honk, we're growing buzzards." (Or just "Good honk.") (That is a very popular phrase around here now.) (I swear I heard Dino yelling it the other day.) _

_375. On that subject, don't sing songs from that series either._

_- Especially not the "You have to grow up" song._

_- Blaster wouldn't stop playing it around both sets of Twins._

_- Prowl threatened to remove his speakers. _

_376. And for the love of Primus, STOP SINGING "THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH"!_

_- My processor…it burns! It's stuck!_

_- Ratchet: "I told you so…"_

_- Oh, mute it! _

Riella put the last piece of tape on the bulletin board and looked at her latest rule list with satisfaction as she transformed back to her organic form. "There. Everyone in the base walks past this board at some time or other. No excuses this time."

Prowl frowned. "They can still ignore it…"

"Yes, but they can't get away with saying "I didn't see it" this time," Riella pointed out with a smile.

"I suppose." Prowl's optics narrowed as he looked around. "Why do I hear music?"

The technorganic looked around for a moment. "Oh! That's my phone."

"Why is your ringtone 'Smack Down'?"

"It's the tone for when Ironhide calls. Shush." Riella held up a finger to tell him they could continue the conversation in a minute. "Hey, 'Hide. What's up?...No, I didn't. What?" She sighed and looked at her mate. "Never let the twins babysit. Storm just made a flight attempt."

"Oh Primus, tell me she's okay!" Prowl scooped Riella up and sprinted toward the runway. "She didn't get off the ground, right?"

"No, she didn't. Relax. Chromia caught her and is currently cussing out the Twins – they weren't paying attention to her. It's up to us to decide what to do with them…" Absorbed in their discussion, neither Autobot saw Theodore Galloway enter the hallway just before they left.

The government agent frowned irritably when he saw the giant sign on the bulletin board. "That board is for important announcements, not lists of things no human in their right mind would do." Stomping out of the main hall, he returned five minutes later with poster board and a ladder.

When Riella came back, this time with her two-year-old daughter in her arms, she stopped to stare at the bulletin board. "Oh please. Really? Don't you humans have anything better to do?"

Plastered across her list was a large sign, obviously written by a human. **THIS BOARD IS NOT TO BE USED FOR RULES FORBIDDING THINGS THAT NO HUMAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER DO.**

"You don't say." Riella rolled her optics and removed the sign. "Problem is, most humans on this base wouldn't fit your definition of 'in their right mind'."


	34. Chapter 34

**Big Bang Theory references. YEEEAAAAHHHH…**

**Oops, sorry, CSI reference. And I don't own the Nightwish lyrics. **

377. Bongos are not allowed to be played after 11 pm.

- Prowl: "Please don't let this be Sideswipe playing bongos…"

- "Three in the morning is a good time for bongos!"

- No it isn't!

- There's way too much Big Bang Theory on base…

* * *

><p>Prowl groaned and pulled a pillow over his head at the sounds from down the hall. "He's doing it again, isn't he?"<p>

His mate shrugged sleepily. "I'm not the one who didn't confiscate the bongos…"

"Wait, I thought you were going to!" Prowl sat up sharply.

"That was your job. Give the blankets back. You've got all of them."

* * *

><p>378. Never touch Leo's food.<p>

- EVER.

- You don't know where it's been!

* * *

><p>"WHO TOUCHED MY – "<p>

"Sam did it! Sam did it!"

Sam glared at his cousin. "Tattletale."

Leo glared at his roommate. "Hamburger toucher."

* * *

><p>379. Stop singing the Pants song from Mystery Science Theater 3000.<p>

- "Pants! Pants! Sing the praises of pants!"

- Which connects quite well to yelling at random Autobots…

- "You! Soldier! You're out of uniform! Put on some pants!"

- Ratchet looked very disturbed.

380. Never let Lennox make meatloaf.

- What in the galaxy was _in _that?

* * *

><p>Robert Epps twitched slightly and pushed the plate away. "…I'm gonna go with too much breadcrumbs."<p>

"Same here." Riella groaned.

* * *

><p>381. No more zombie movies!<p>

- Need I say more?

- "Braaaaaaiiiiinnsssss…."

- Small irritating Autobot: "Ya called?"

- *Facepalm*

382. Never spike the coffee maker with energy shots.

- Anyone dumb enough to think it was a good idea.

- I'm looking at you, Samuel Witwicky.

- We never did find those missing pieces from the rec room Mouse Trap game…

* * *

><p>Tai poked her head out from under the couch. "Nope. Nothing."<p>

"Dang." Riella flipped over another chair. "Not here either. Who took them anyway?"

Sideswipe freed himself from a tangle of curtains. "I blame my twin."

"Yeah, well, I blame _my_ twin." Sunstreaker crawled out from behind the TV.

* * *

><p>383. On the subject of Mouse Trap…<p>

- Should I really have to say no live reenactments?

- Apparently I do…

384. Nightwish songs can still be played on base, but not around Red Alert, Ratchet, or Barricade.

- Barricade said the high notes in "Tenth Man Down" made his processor hurt.

- And "Planet Hell" freaked out Red Alert.

- Ratchet…well, he was just Ratchet.

- He did not appreciate our 'Guess the lyrics' game with "Wishmaster".

* * *

><p>"Hamster! A dentist! Hard corn Steven seagull!"<p>

Riella glared in Leo's direction. "Master, apprentice, Heartborne seventh seeker."

"Ours makes just as much sense," Carly pointed out. "Really, what does that song even mean?"

"She's not actually sure," Tai stage-whispered. "But don't get her started on "Planet Hell". She can go for hours."

"I heard that."

* * *

><p>385. "Livin' La Vida Loca" is not meant to be a challenge.<p>

- You know who you are.

- That's right, I'm talking to YOU.


	35. Chapter 35

***sighs* There's a lot of movie ones in here, aren't there? Sorry. But they made me fall out of my chair laughing. Hope they do the same for you.**

_386. Never use laser pointers to entertain Psyche or the cats._

_- It's only funny as long as they are on the ground._

_- Sam pointed the little red dot at Barricade's foot…_

_387. Don't let Ironhide watch Thor or The Incredible Hulk. Or The Avengers._

_- Basically any movie where smashing things is funny._

_- It's not funny here._

_- I needed that!_

_388. No more Red Green!_

_- "Remember, if femmes don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy!" (Sideswipe.)_

_- "Of course, I don't have that problem." (Sunstreaker.)_

_- "If femmes found you handsome, you'd already be sparkmated. Shut up." (Arcee.)_

_389. How To Train Your Dragon should only be quoted in moderation. _

_(I refuse to ban the quotes entirely.)_

_-"We have stubbornness issues."_

_-"We're Autobots. It's an occupational hazard." (Maiming, death, and bad publicity.)_

_-"Trolls exist, you know! They steal your socks, but only the left ones. What's up with that?"_

_-"No, I'm really very extra sure that I won't."_

_-"Blind spot, yes. Deaf spot, not so much."_

_-"I'm hurt! I am very much hurt!" (It's the yelling ones that are fine, or so Ratchet says.)_

_-"Dah-dah-dah, we're dead."_

_-"What are you doing? We need her to like us! Oh, now you start spinning. Thank you for nothing, you useless reptile." (Swoop no longer gives rides.)_

_-Me: "So, what are you going to do about it?" _

_Mirage: "Probably something stupid." _

_Me: "Good, but you already did that. So…" _

_Mirage: "I'm gonna do something crazy."_

_390. Stop playing clips from Bones during board meetings._

_- I suspect there will be a "Do Not Quote" eventually._

_- And no, you may not start telling humans that I found Prowl in a museum, Jazz. _

_391. On a related note, air rock concerts are strongly discouraged, especially with songs like "Hot Blooded"._

_- Ratchet heard Sam singing 'I got a fever of a hundred and three' and hauled him off to the medbay._

_- "Wait! Wait! It was a song…" *glares at everyone present from down the hall and starts yelling* "Why is it that when David Boreanaz does air guitar to this, it's hot, but when I do it, Ratchet comes after me?"_

_- I assumed he didn't want an answer, and since he was all the way down the hall anyway, I didn't bother._

_- Tai was a different matter... "Maybe it'd work if you could sing, mister tone deaf!"_

_392. There will be no more speculation about whether certain Decepticons are 'gay or European'._

_- Why, why, why do you make me say this?_

_- Besides all the logical issues with that statement, we do have better things to do!_

_- And on a more disturbing note, why the heck do you _care_ about Starscream's…I'm just going to stop there._

Riella finished typing the email with satisfaction. Since Agent Galloway kept removing the posters she put up (maybe it had something to do with the subtle insults to his intelligence?) they had been forced to return to the email system to ensure that the rules were available to everyone.

"Prowl? I'm done." When she got no response from the other end of the desk, she leaned over to poke him lightly with a stylus. "What's so important?"

Prowl flicked the stylus away absently. "Just a quick mass email to clear up some specific rules."

Riella frowned. "I thought I already did that. Aren't the rules my job? The non-absolute ones, at least?"

"They are. These are absolute, and not new. I just want everyone to see the list."

"Okayyyy…" the femme replied, drawing the word out. "So do I get a copy?"

"You probably know these. It's really more for the unwitting partners-in-crime than anyone else." Prowl tilted the datapad so that she could read the scrawled image. "I made Sideswipe write these out last week, and then I got the idea of sending them to the entire base."

Riella had to laugh, even as she rolled her optics. "You do realize he's going to find ways to get around these, and you'll have to do another one."

"It was worth a shot."

**Things Sideswipe is NOT allowed to do: **

**I am not allowed to tell the new human recruits that Wheelie is the incarnation of Primus. **

**I am not allowed to sing "Weasel Stomping Day" while skipping through the base. **

**I am not allowed to make holographic trashcans to fool the humans. **

**I am not allowed to use human credit cards for my personal purchases. All Autobots have been given a certain amount of Earth money for that purpose.**

**I am not allowed to make crude jokes while tailgating a non-Cybertronian vehicle. **

**I am not allowed to swear in front of Annabelle Lennox, even if I say "Excuse my Klingon" afterwards. **

**I am not allowed to spray-paint Sunstreaker pink during recharge. **

**I am not allowed to add flowers to Prowl's paintjob when he is sedated for repairs in the medbay. **

**I am not allowed to put mistletoe over random doors and wait on the other side in the hopes that Arcee will be the next one to come through. **

**I am not allowed to microwave anything, ever. **

**I am not allowed to imitate anything I see on the internet. **

**I am not allowed to reverse all the street signs near the base to 'redirect' humans. **

**I am not allowed to adjust anything on Riella's datapad. **

**I am not allowed to get a Facebook account for the sole purpose of repeatedly poking random humans. **

**I am not allowed to make my own car commercials. **

**I am not allowed to do anything that starts with the phrase "Hey guys, watch this!" **

**I am not allowed to change anyone's vocalizer to sound like C-3P0. **

**I am not allowed to adjust the speed limit signs. **

**I am not allowed to bargain with Swindle. I will lose.**

**I am not allowed to go fishing unless I am supervised by a senior officer who is NOT Blaster or Jazz.**


	36. Chapter 36: The LOTR Tribute

_**AN: In honor of The Hobbit's release, I came up with this. *grins* Enjoy. **_

"Riella, please," Prowl pleaded. "I'm not asking you to ban it! I like the movie too, remember? But it's just too much. Especially with the new movie."

The femme sighed. "It's not that bad, Prowl. Try to enjoy it."

"Red Alert hasn't recharged in a week!"

"Okay, okay." Riella chuckled. "The Nazgṹl pranks may have gone a bit too far -"

"And Wheeljack wants to make a Ring of Power!"

Riella frowned. "That was definitely not my idea…"

"Even Ratchet is quoting it!"

The femme raised her hands in surrender. "All right, don't glitch. I'll try to take care of it. No guarantees that this will work."

**The Lord of the Rings trilogy is epic. Never try to convince any of us otherwise. But it does lead to a few rules…**

**1. Quotes are limited to one per 'bot, per day.**

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." (Watching the Chevy twins attempt to decipher that statement was worth the hour of practice to say it correctly.)

"Don't worry, she knows an idiot when she sees one."

"I didn't hear anything important! Just a lot about a ring, and a dark lord, and something about the end of the world…"

"Everywhere I lie, there's a giant root sticking into my back." (Hence the shortened camping trip.)

"They have _pints_? I'm getting one!"

"Men? Men are weak." (Charlotte Mearing shocked everyone with the quote.)

"One does not simply walk into Mordor. There is evil there that does not sleep." (For some reason, this statement, with 'Mordor' replaced with 'Walmart', is popular on base.)

Leo: You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission. Quest. Thing.

- Me: Well, that rules you out.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"We ain't had nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!" (Ohhh that scared Ratchet.)

Anything at all in Elvish. (It disturbs government agents when they don't understand us.) (Apparently Cybertronian is bad enough.)

**2. Also, quotes from the parody "Lord of the Beans" are banned.**

"It says…if you can read this, you're too close."

"Got any waffles?"

"I can't believe I'm missing burrito night for this." (Sam.)

"If you wear it right, it'll even keep your nose warm!"

"Dibs on his espresso maker."

*singing* "Oh I'm a lucky fellow, I'm a lucky boy! I've got a new umbrella, and it's my pride and joy! Rain may come and the sun may go, but I'll be dry from my head to toe! Oh I'm a lucky fellow, I'm a lucky boy! *speaking* Hey, I've got a new umbrella!"

"We'll create a distraction! Does anybody have a banjo or an inflatable turkey?"

Should I need to mention the Elvish impersonator? Don't even try, Leo.

**3. Contests for Best Gollum Voice are no longer allowed.**

You will never guess who won…

None of the usual suspects…

_Ironhide_, of all 'bots.

He says it comes of witnessing one too many cats with hairballs.

Andy Serkis is Sides' and Sunny's new hero.

**4. Along that line of thought, no more Nazgṹl costumes.**

Not even on Halloween!

They scared Red Alert. (Which was funny.)

And Chromia. (Which was not funny.)

And Optimus. (The cannons were very scary.)

And Bluestreak. (Which made me feel like a complete and utter jerk.)

**5. Be careful what parts you watch with certain 'bots.**

The scene with the trees being destroyed made Prowl upset.

The spiraling downward shots made Sam dizzy.

Ratchet was thoroughly disgusted by every single evil creature.

Red Alert should just never watch any movies at all.

**6. Don't encourage the younglings to throw pillows at the screen when the bad guys are in the shot.**

Almost broke the TV.

We also made a royal mess.

And ran out of pillows before the first movie intermission.


	37. Chapter 37

**Long time no update. I know. Sorry, guys. Hope the nice long chapter makes up for it.**

_393. Swoop is not allowed to give rides!_

_- No, not even if he's in a good mood._

_- "How to Train Your Dinobot" will never be a good idea. Ever. _

_394. When there is a meeting with the government on base and someone uses the words "friendship", "harmony", or "magic", you are not permitted to play the My Little Pony theme over the base loudspeakers._

_- You are also not permitted to sing "So Long and Thanks For All The Fish" as the government agents are leaving in a huff._

_- And for Primus's sake don't start singing "We're Off To See The Wizard" while being sent to Optimus's office!_

_395. My odd tastes in food are none of your business, First Aid._

_- Ratchet is used to me by now._

_- I happen to think powdered milk tastes good, okay?_

_- Besides, it's healthy! Ask anyone!_

_396. Never watch "Being Human" when certain 'bots are in the same room._

_- The werewolf-transformation scene horrified Ratchet. (Okay, it disturbed me a little bit too.)_

_- Red Alert is more paranoid than ever. _

_- All of my DVDs mysteriously disappeared after Tai, Carly, and I came to the conclusion that Aidan Turner (Mitchell) is amazingly cute. _

_- We're not sure if we should blame Prowl or Jazz. _

_397. Never quote "My Little Pony". Especially Pinkie Pie. _

_(It's a cute show.) (But it really bugs Ironhide, Barricade, and Lennox.)_

_- "I found her, I found her, I found her, I found her!" (Sheesh!) (I was in the bathroom for two minutes, Sparrow!)_

_- "NOBODY BREAKS A PINKIE PROMISE!"_

_- "Oh my gosh, hold onto your hats - I am just about to be BRILLIANT!" (Tai.) (Need I say more?)_

_- "You're…going…to…LOVE MEEE!"_

_- "I love it! You'll make a fantastic weirdo clown." _

_- "BUT THIS IS THE TRADITIONAL ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE! IT IS TRADITION FOR US TO SPEAK USING THE ROYAL 'WE' AND TO USE __**THIS MUCH VOLUME WHEN ADDRESSING OUR SUBJECTS!**__" (Chromia.) (That was the only part she liked.) (I almost died laughing when she said that to a newbie NEST member.) (I think he might have needed a new pair of pants.)_

_398. Life on the base is NOT an episode of "Hogan's Heroes"._

_- You may not use the water tower or the dog kennels as entrances for secret tunnels._

_- In fact, you aren't allowed to dig 'secret' tunnels under the base at all. _

_- Prowl does not appreciate being called Colonel Klink._

_- I do not appreciate being called "Agent Tiger". _

_- And you may not play the theme song more than twice a day where others can hear you. Neither of those times can be over the PA system. _

_399. Prowl is not going to dance Gangnam Style, no matter how many times you ask._

_- Neither is Ratchet. _

_400. You are only allowed to quote "The Big Bang Theory" on certain occasions._

_- Specifically, if said quote makes a senior officer laugh._

_- "I'm sure there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind, of course." _

_- "How do you feel about concealing a recording device in your ample bosom?" (…Yes, Simmons was talking to me…) (Jazz nearly passed out laughing.)_

_- "We're going to work this situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea."_

_- __**Prowl:**__ "If he understood that, you're in trouble." _

_**General Morshower:**__ "Are you calling me unevolved?" _

_**Me: "You're in trouble."**__ (If anyone was curious, the original statement came from Ironhide, so not a huge amount of trouble…)_

_- "It's called Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it." (Ratchet.) ("Bedside manner? What's that?")_

_- "It's pandering, it's undignified, and _bite me_." (Prowl, I love you.) (Galloway: …"FINE!") _

Bumblebee stretched up to fasten the last corner to the bulletin board. "Good?"

Riella tipped her head, studying it. "Hmmm….perfect." She flipped her braid over one shoulder. "I don't see how anyone can possibly miss that, *cough*yourbrothers*cough*."

"Are you okay?" Bumblebee's big blue optics widened in concern. "That cough doesn't sound right."

The femme smiled. "It was fake, that's why. Sarcasm."

"Why?"

Riella shook her head with a laugh. "No reason, I suppose. Just because I could. It's a human thing."

"Needs work." Bumblebee held out a hand. "Wanna go chase down Sam and Leo? They're avoiding Ratchet."

"Sure." Riella climbed into the offered hand and scrambled the rest of the way up to his shoulder. "Why are they hiding?"

Bumblebee shrugged, almost dumping her to the ground.

"Hey! Careful!"

"Sorry." Bumblebee steadied the femme and continued walking. "Who knows. I suspect complicity in the latest Sides-and-Sunny production."

Less than a minute after they had disappeared into the hall, Sideswipe jogged into the rec room with his own giant sheet of paper. "If rules fix Prowl's processor aches, maybe they'll help mine… aw, man, why is everybody always _gone _when I come up with a great idea?"

_Hey everybody! This is Sideswipe, here with some guidelines that will really be helpful – AKA, How To Be A Successful Prankster. And How Not To Get Busted Every Single Time. Looking right at you, Skids. Pay attention. Memorize them. You're giving pranksters in general a bad name._

_**Rule Number One:**__ Whenever possible, try to be born into a family with no younger siblings. Why? Because they tattle. If avoiding any younger siblings completely is impossible (your parents may have their own opinions on that subject), then never let them in on any prank that they didn't help set up and actively participate in. They won't tell on themselves, so if they must know about a prank, make sure they help you with everything possible._

_**Rule Number Two:**__ Know the limits. Most of the time glitching out is funny, like when we told Red Alert that the birds were watching him, or when Prowl just can't fathom how you managed to pull something off. But you can't push it – multiple glitches one right after another can cause a little bit of damage. Not much, but enough that Ratchet will be very, very, very angry at you. Also, never try to make anyone other than Prowl, Red Alert, or sometimes First Aid glitch. They have processing anomalies that cause it – others don't and it can be more serious. We're not out to actually hurt anybody. If you manage to make someone who normally never glitches fall over, RUN LIKE THE PIT and stay away until they're out of the medbay. And if it was Ratchet, Ironhide, Optimus, or Riella, get video footage._

_**Rule Number Three: **__Never, ever, ever, ever prank Prowl when the base is on lockdown. As I found out the hard way, he actually can't glitch out while his battle computer is engaged. He can, however, react before thinking about it. Violence and property destruction may ensue before he realizes you are not a Decepticon. It will hurt. Oh, and after the lockdown is over and he's done apologizing for throwing you through two walls and into a tank, he will send you to the brig for, and I quote, "being an utter moron during a potential crisis". Your brothers will find this hilarious._

_**Rule Number Four:**__ Have you been banned from doing anything that starts with the phrase "Hey guys, watch this"? If so, congratulations! That's a status symbol. It means you've been recognized as a great prankster by everyone on base. But, you ask, won't that cut into my activities? Not at all. Just be creative. I recommend screaming something random right when you want them to look at you. So far, the most effective lines have been "I AM THE MIGHTY THOR" and "THUNDERCATS ARE GO", but everybody's different. __**Important:**__ Never use "run" or "incoming" as this may result in weapons fire._

_**Rule Number Five:**__ If possible, always have someone else with you when setting up epic pranks. Why? First, if they are your younger sibling, they can't tell on you if they were helping. Second, if they are your twin, you might get lucky and Prowl will blame them instead of you. Third, you need someone to hold the video camera._

_**Rule Number Six:**__ Prowl hates the song "Girl All The Bad Guys Want". So does Riella. If you are going to play something over the intercom system, this is your best bet for getting a reaction from them. Just make sure you have a good hiding place and video footage. Other options include "Living With A Hernia" for Ratchet, "Dude Looks Like A Lady" for Bluestreak and Smokescreen (this one is a good way to get revenge if they tattled on you), and "Walking on Sunshine" for Sunstreaker. (If anyone asks, you didn't hear that from me.)_

_**Rule Number Seven:**__ Form your own stockpile of supplies for pranks. Eventually, Prowl will tell everyone you are not allowed to have Silly String, staple guns, and so on, but if you have your own, not much they can do. And Skids, get your own! I'm not lending you mine!_

_**Rule Number Eight:**__ If you must prank Ironhide (Not a good idea, it hurts a lot afterward) make sure to have some kind of time-delay on the prank so you can be off base when it happens. Also, practice running, you will need to. Same goes for Chromia, Ratchet, and occasionally Prime. __**Important:**__ If you successfully prank Chromia, get video footage!_

_**Rule Number Nine:**__ Steeljaw bites. Never forget that when trying to sneak into Blaster's room._

_**Rule Number Ten:**__ Always make sure the prank is worth spending time in the brig. If it isn't worth it, make it more epic. For example: Putting a warning sign on Prowl's door that says "Prowl's Happy Place: Enter At Your Own Risk" – not worth it. Wallpapering his entire office with Photoshopped pictures of Megatron and Starscream in compromising positions – totally worth it. Getting video footage of the results – completely priceless._

_**Rule Number Who Cares, It's Not About Pranks, It's For Sanity Reasons: **__I don't care what the context was. Never, ever, for any reason, under any circumstances, in any conversation, bring up Prime's butt. It may make even Prowl laugh but the mental images are SO not worth it._

_If you follow these simple rules, pranks will be easier and a LOT more fun! Also, Skids, you will spend less time in the medbay and the brig. So pay attention already!_

_**Sideswipe**_


End file.
